diary of a quarter life crisis

Hideous flight to Melbourne!! I don’t know much about flying (Henners, help me out with this one…) but the pilot said the First Mate would be flying us; judging by the subsequent horrors I can only assume this is akin to letting the work experience kid ‘have a go’!!!! Nose dived the tarmac which you could see out the window and dramatically pull up back into the air for ‘another attempt’…I’d rather go on the Waltzers 10 times in a row (Lenny!!) than do that flight again!

Arrived to a very warm welcome at Chez Thomas! Champagne popping and much needed catching up much appreciated, all the more after near death shocker en route.

Monsieur Thomas did a selfless designated driver stint out to the Mornington Peninsular for vineyard tours on Saturday! Was lovely. Had a delicious lunch and afternoon getting tanked up on free wine tastings!

Woman conducting it seemed to have taken advantage of the tipples herself…she was actually “bat shit mental”, tasting notes and detailed understanding diluted sightly by the excessive samples. She was employee of the month for being permanently drunk – a perk of the job! Herb you would be so good at it!!

Best way to spend a Saturday though, finished off with a wander down the beach.

Got up at 4.30am Sunday to support Alex in I’m his Melbourne triathlon. Serious wifey points for Rachel as we were the only 2 supporters not competing there at the start! Coffee and pitch black did little to ease the disorientation. Neither did far too many Aussies in Spandex…some things you really don’t need to see at 5am! #keepthejunkinthetrunkthanks. Alex did great and made really good time, the rest of the day bought glorious sunshine and 36 degrees! Scorchio!

Had the perfect lunchtime catching up with one of the Thurlow’s oldest and dearest friends. Debbie, it was an absolute treat! Like I saw you only yesterday (and there hadn’t been like 6 years in between). So so glad I got to see her and catch up on all the news over bubbles, no better way to do it!

Left Debbie to the precise task of finding a good remix of Pony by Genuwine to put on her Spinning instructor playlist and did what any sane person does on a Sunday afternoon, spontaneously jump out a plane!!

Was wandering past Skydive Beach and Beyond on our walk to St Kilda beach, popped in to investigate and hour later I’m on a light aircraft with me’ legs dangling over the side! What a awesome experience. So glad I did it (in a controlled manner and wasn’t forced to on that flight here!!!) Some epic underside of chin and jiggly face footage to treasure forever…Thanks to instructor Chris for making sure I did not die! And Mama and Papa Thurlow for their very generous contribution to my trip which I hope they think I have partially spent wisely!!

Had a chilled day of exploring Melbourne and met Rachel after work for rooftop bar drinks, dinner at a cool place Debs recommended called ‘Welcome to Thornbury’ (bit like street feast) and made a new friend called Dexter…

Home via the world’s most amazing gelato cafe! Was beyond delicious. We’d had a few too many wines so stumbled back home..

Spent the next few days exploring what Melbourne has to offer, pottering in cool cafes and independent shops, soaking up the sun #bronzedgoddessobvs. Lovely evening exploring bars of Melbourne with Steve, who was totally underwhelmed with the “tan”! Nice to touch base with so many ex pat compadres since I’ve been here.

Continued my personal Woman vs. Brunch tour of Melbourne at every opportunity. Reading the menus alone here is enough to give you Type 2 Diabetes! Hands down winner (after entirely necessary extensive research) *drum roll* is ‘Fitzrovia’ on Fitzroy Street, St Kilda. Creme Brûlée French toast with bacon, banana, mascarpone and candied pecans…..if I could choose a last meal! Haven’t actually been able to finish a single plate as portions are clearly designed for 18 people to share!!

Went to The National Gallery of Victoria to “get my culture on” innit. Went to see their brilliant Andy Warhol / Ai WeiWei exhibition (great recommendation Rach), all about the cross overs in their careers and similarities in work, shared themes of capitalism and consumerism #highbrow. So went to the gift shop, had an “ironic” coke in the cafe and took silly pics on their photo booth #designedforkids

Got to see lovely Debs again and meet beyond charming boyfriend Shane in the evening. Treated me to an amazing dinner, lots of laughs, so lucky again to have great company!

21 solid days of busyness and drinking wine finally caught up with me on Thursday, just in time for Rachel to have a well earned day off! Knackered doesn’t even cover it, wandered the streets like something out of 28 days later in search of brunch and thanks to Griffiths indulged a bit more in OCNAD (obsessive compulsive nail art disorder).

Excessive amounts of napping and movie night was the perfect end to a really great week in Melbourne. Thanks so much to everyone here who made it such a winner.

And so ends leg one of the ‘diary’. Oz it’s been emotional. Key lessons i’ve learned:

 

Losers

Aussies are not capable of eating a meal without Avocado

Buses are beyond shit

Vegemite is the spawn of the devil

Winners

Brunch is beyond amazing

‘Winter’ has been 39 degrees

I have some of the greatest friends ever even if they are 10,560 miles away!!

 

All packed and beyond excited to start the next leg in Asia with my most favourite chef in the world. SEE YOU in a few hours Claire, #chefsonSinga-tour xx

Finally checked out of the Hostel, praise *insert deity of choice here*!!! Officially en route to the Gold Coast. Met Mary from Cheshunt on way to airport turns out she is the mother in law and grandmother of X Factor living legends: Stavros Flatley! So impressed. She said they’re now big in China, promised to look out for them performing when I arrive.

Toddy picked me up when I arrived in what I’m sure John Travolta would refer to as a “Pussy Wagon”…everyone else would just assume he’s also in the midst of a quarter life crisis! And so complete with massive chavvy spoiler, its beyond ridiculous furry seats and giant exhaust we sped off for Brunch and an amazing afternoon visit to the Currumbin Wildlife Centre.

Best afternoon you can have on the Gold Coast surely! We had a hilarious day. We decided to be high rollers and do the Segway tour of the park! Anyone who knows me will know that an unpredictable motorised vehicle which relies on balance, and me is a shocking combo! After signing the waiver (!!!) I was pretty resigned to that fact that people would have to attend my funeral knowing that I had pegged it falling into a ravine and being crushed by a segway! Not the glamorous departure I’d hoped for! Fear not aided by arriving late for the safety briefing!!

After expecting to emulate Brendan from Coach Trip the whole way round (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ekPNEekNKck) I nervously set off and what do you know, a few practice runs and Steve the guide described me as a natural. Maybe I’ve found my career path after all.

Highlights included a cuddle with a real life KOALA

And Toddy’s face when he saw the size of the balls on this Kangaroo!!!

Headed back to see Toddy and housemate Mike’s new bachelor pad…beyond ridiculous views! So lucky to be crashing here, and so grateful to sleep in a bed that didn’t have an obnoxious French man above it!!! You guys are amazing.

Bummed about the flat in the evening whilst Toddy was being a worker bee, no make up, pjs, generally dishevelled, cue arrival of housemate Mike,who Toddy neglected to mention was also ridiculously attractive. Cheers Toddy! Yet another fail and testament to why I should not be allowed to ever be seen without make up! Had a beer in a bid to hope my wit and charm would detract from my awful blotchy face. Not convinced! First impressions are a bitch!

Tuesday was a wash out literally and proverbially. Rain forecast for my whole visit so we had another awesome brunch and went to check out the Jellurgal aboriginal Centre. Turns out it the entrance centre was also the entire thing, Toddy dug deep to learn about the rich history of the aboriginal people, woman behind the counter was having none of it. We asked to do the guided tour, she said they only go on Thursdays but we could do our own walk. Highlights identified were the Rock pile and a 4000 year old rubbish dump……30 minute hike into the cliff side and the heavens opened. I’m talking biblical rain! Like standing in a shower for 20 minutes in your clothes. Hilarious for the first 2 minutes, not so much for the 15 minute climb down to the car!

Big night out wednesday decended into chaos v.quickly after Mike decided the only thing the party was missing was White Russians. Also turns out shots of Kalua are a thing?! Went into Surfers Paradise for ‘Brazilian night’, pretty much just Oceana with ozzies. Did shots of Patron (Stephanie Miller you literally ruined my life by teaching me about this!) and no one is really sure what happened after that. Toddy spent the next day in delighting at my drunk attempt to order a pizza at 4am and then me aggressively yelling for mayonnaise shortly after!?!?

 

Went to visit lovely Amy for the day in Brisbane so she could show me the sights. So nice to see ger and get some sunshine.  Went for coffee and cake. Got acosted by a weird old bloke who said “I love it up here, looking down from the balcony, no one can tell you’re perving on them….which I am”…..we made our excuses and left!!!

Wandered along their equivalent of the Southbank. Latest crap celeb spot, Dr Michael Moseley and his wife!

Had a perfect girly day of chilling in the sun, drinking wine, eating to much and reminiscing about Sydney fun. She’s going to smash life in Brisbane and I’m so happy for her….I’ll probably just miss her every day though! Ha. Go get ’em you absolute babe.

Made the trip back to the swanky flat and packed my stuff for round 3, an amazing flight down to Melbourne to see one of my oldest and dearest friends! I’m on my way Mr & Mrs Thomas! And I am SO EXCITED to see you. xxx

 

Decided to be a culture vulture and do the grand guided tour of the Opera house. Average age of the other people who had the same idea, 65 yrs old! They had all piled off Royal Caribbean’s Residence of the Seas, one of five cruise ships I’ve seen docked in the harbour since I’ve been here. One for Mama and Papa Thurlow to add to the list.

Wasn’t impressed by the tour if I’m honest, £19 for the hour was reasonable but it just looks like the Southbank Centre on the inside. Rest of tour group played phenomenal game of “Who can ask the most high brow question”, was hilarious to watch. We did get to go into the main auditorium where we were lucky to see 10 minutes of  Wynton Marsalis rehearsing with the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. Not entirely sure it warranted the level of middle class gasp that came from the group, was worried one woman was actually going to collapse with operatic joy, but was a nice bonus all the same.

Sydney is currently in the middle of a heatwave, it was 42 degrees on Thursday. I believe the correct terminology is “sweating my balls off”! Particularly disturbing since I don’t have any!!! Drunk wine at harbour side bar with Ali, wrote out some postcards and watched the waitresses get cat called by drunk, sweaty Italian blokes. Snore!

Back to the hostel and after an over complicated booking process, Ryan, the general manager here, pulled off some sort of logistical miracle and has meant I don’t have to move rooms so will be here in my same room until Monday! Phew. The sort of logistical miracle I was actually hoping for was one where I ended up in the Shangri La……alas can’t have it all!

Went to Opera bar with Griffiths, loads of fabulous people arriving here for Pride (which all kicks off next weekend unfortunately, so I’ll miss it)…way to get your appearance in perspective when 3 blokes walk past and their contouring is better than yours!! Hair is also suffering, going to have to get seashell cornrows like monica in Friends if this keeps up!

Amy’s last night got way out of hand as anticipated with any visit to a bar that starts with “we’ll not have a late one”. The next thing I know we’ve been adopted by a guy whose real life name was Blane Steel (assuming his profession was superhero / porn star) and the “lads” for Pete’s (!?!) big farewell send off before he moves to Ireland. Aussie hospitality at its finest. They were genuinely a really nice gang of guys and girls who took great delight in getting us to say an array of words in “british accents”….wore thin after a while. Introduced us to “Whisky apples”, the poison of choice for people looking to loose their dignity.

As a direct result, this is shortly followed me doing a word perfect rendition of ‘The Boys Are Back in Town’ complete with air guitar on my own on a stage in an underground whisky bar! We got in a 5am via a completely ill judged visit to KFC! Needless to say Saturday morning was a write off!!!

Said goodbyes as Amy caught her flight to Brisbane, still drunk, she’s a trooper! Missing her already. So I’ve just messaged her virtually constantly since she left!

I spent the morning reading, with Marjorie Wickham in the Royal Botanical Gardens, thanks for the rest, I love it here too…

Comedy of errors trip to suburbia to see Sarah & Stefan’s new house was Thursday. “Excuse me, how do you know which stop to get off at for Ocean Street please”…..”ah damn brah, you just sort’ve know man”……thank you for that informative guidance. Would’ve been fine except that was the actual bus driver! Turns out Sydney has 5 ‘Ocean streets’ in completely different places, Sarah lives near 1, I have now visited 3 of the others!!!!

Great to see the place, went for a drive in the rental van which we agreed looked more like something you would hire if you were producing a low budget horror film, it had done 520,000 miles! Had a lovely evening of fancy sushi and wine and bid her the fondest of farewells which was sad. Not goodbye, but until next time you marvelous lady, thanks for being such a fab host!

Today I took the ferry over to Manly beach for the 2016 Australian Open Surfing Championships….when in Rome n’all that. Turns out a pre requisite of attending a beach type event rather than just an average day, is that you must be so painfully attractive, you make Cheryl Cole look like a 4 out of 10. Found a shady spot and took the time to do some self-reflection on that drunk KFC.

Left the beach, acutely aware of distinct possibility of being harpooned (!) and grabbed ‘The tourist special lunch’ at the harbor. Actual shrimps, from an actual barbie!

Headed back on the ferry to Circular Quay – everyone on it looked like they could legitimately pass for one of the brothers in Hanson; such a surfer “look” here. Headed home to shower sand out of places I wasn’t sure it was biologically possible to get sand and attempted to repack my bag for flight tomorrow.

Big change in the world of roommates means our mixed dorm is just 5 blokes and me! (lads lads lads, banter banter banter etc…). All of them very polite and nice, so assides from the distinct aroma of “Eau de stinky boy” about the place it’s actually been alright. Perhaps I’ll miss it after all……… #obviouslynot

And so ends my first chapter in Oz, lots of interesting lessons to come away from here with, but Cheers Sydney, it’s been a blast.

Next stop: Gold coast. Get the beers on ice Toddy, in on my way! xxx

Did the free Sydney walking tour as provided by our hostel on Monday. Turned out to be a horrific four and a quarter hour slog during the hottest part of the day. Tour guide dug deep, trying to convince mostly English group that there was rich history and wonderful sights everywhere. But pretty much just saw the Opera House from 12 different angles “and an interesting fact about the underside of the guttering of the Opera House is…”

Day was saved by an evening trip to the 360 revolving bar at the top of the Sydney Tower with Amy and Lucy. $20 minimum spend, went up ordered one $21 cocktail, sat nursing it for an hour and a half #couldwebemorebritish

Tuesday, I met up with Ali again for an epic day doing the Bondai Beach to Coogee Beach coastal walk. A must do according to seasoned Sydney-ites.

Blinded some people by daring to sit my pasty self on the Bondai sand – parents sheilded their children from the ghost lady.

Estimate I sweat off around five stone from the three hour walk, 32 degree heat, punishing doesn’t even cover it. Ali was delightful company, not sure same could be said for me near the end! Lots of lovely beaches and a big graveyard half way round (presumably where they leave the bodies of those who don’t make it!!!!)

Well earned frosty beer at the finish line, thanks for your patience and for a wonderful day Ridley! Took away a distinctly attractive horrendous forehead burn as a momento! I’m burning THROUGH several layers of Factor 50, pray for me!

Went into Circular Quay to see if I could get a last minute cheap single ticket to see Simply Red who were playing at the Opera House outdoor theater. Told they were still  £93 each (ridiculous!!!), so decided not to bother. Wandered along the other side of the netted fenced off area and found a public bench approximately 10 feet away from the expensive seats….heard and saw the entire gig for free whilst watching the sunset over the harbour (As my Dad would say, “nice one centurion”) Great gig and all the sweeter when you beat the system, in your face Hucknall, you little ginger daylight robber!

Met Sarah again on Wednesday for a trip to hipsterville. ‘Newtown’ is like Oz’s answer to Shoreditch, but with more tanned bearded men in wifebeaters and less shitty kebab shops. Also bumped into Duncan’s mate Dom from Reading at the train station!! Small world!

Awesome eggs benedict brunch at Brewtown (see what they did there!!) pièce de résistance being when the waiter said the greatest sentence I have ever heard a person say “can i get some breakfast desert for you ladies?!” Surely only ever one answer to that question!?! Cue the stuffing of faces with belgin waffles! They know how to do breakfast here!

Griffiths treated me to the best manicure ever, complete with a rainbow nail and hand painted hello kitty thumb! Drank some more gin, walked 23,500 steps in sweltering sun, standard day here!

Dinner at “Grilld” in Darling Harbour, just for you Harri, since you have referenced it every time anyone has said the word “burger” for the last four years! You speak the truth mate, it was beyond delicious!

Back at the hostel, went for some drinks and talked into going dancing. So, like a weird old uncle at a wedding, i went to throw some shapes at Side Bar (Sydney’s premier nightspot)…it was a shithole, makes Infernos look like The Ritz! Alas Gaz from Geordie Shore is there next Wednesday so I will miss him… heartbroken doesn’t really cover it! Managed to bring the average age up by 10 years and witnessed some seriously european dancing, so figured it was a success – left before the bikini competition started…wouldn’t have been fair on the other contestants for me to enter #obviouswinner.

Said our goodbyes to lovely Lucy who is off to explore the east coast, (good luck beautiful lady!).

In joyous news the “one with the cough” has moved out! To be replaced by “The rattler”….who I think isn’t travelling at all but just has a bag full of castanets and maracas which she plays in the night at bizarre intervals to disturb roommates! Hostel life trundles on….

xxx

Finally succumbed to the sinking realisation that I was checking out of my nice hotel and into a hostel for the next week.

Upon arrival abundantly clear that I am too old and also too high maintenence for this crap…

High Maintenence (adj) : Someone who does not want to spend any portion of time on holiday, sleeping in a bunk bed surrounded by awkward strangers

Nothing like a room of 21 year olds to make you feel like Van Wilder…

Five key players in the room – I am referring to each by endearing nicknames:

1. The Grunter
2. The one with the cough
3. The mute
4. The international playboy
5. Amy

Amy is a northern breath of fresh air in an otherwise totally bizarre set up and here until Saturday. Should’ve known really – as already proven by Take That and Michael Lillis – all the best things come from Manchester and the surrounding areas! Met friends she’s made, heard travel stories, had gin – all necessary bases covered. All together now: “Hostel friiiiiiends”!

After my cheery “hey hows it going, i’m Emma” being totally shot down by “The grunter” when I first arrived, I knew there was only one thing for it….bugger off for drinks all afternoon with beloved Griffiths! Sarah left London for sunnier climbs in October last year and the place has been a little less bright ever since. So after making my way to Circular Quay and soaking up the view of the iconic Sydney skyline

Harbour Bridge: check

Opera House: check

Shit load of seagulls just like in Finding Nemo: check

I had what can only be described as a “totes emosh reunion” with this one (we did a Hollywood open armed run up and everything…)

The days ahead look to be a veritable feast of clichéd tourist activities and since I could not look more pale and English right now, I’m fine with that. City tour today, Beach walk Tuesday, Sarah and Emma’s day of fun Wednesday….you get the picture.

Since the ridonkulous costs of WiFi in Oz seem to require sale of a kidney in exchange, i’ll be “going dark” for the foreseeable and praying “the one with the cough” decides to move rooms! *GET A GLASS OF WATER YOU ABSOLUTE TOOL*

……wish me luck!

xxx

…I always pick the shit one!

After making new BFFs with Donna & Joyce (grandmothers doing a “exotic marigold hotel” singles holiday to Kerela) I spent the next 2 hours in the airport lounge with them drinking G&Ts, hearing about how Joyce was going to have a wacky baccy party and throw herself off the cliffs at the Isle of Wight when she ran out of money for luxury holidays! This was followed by conducting a seminar on how to download and use Whatsapp so Donna could send pictures of the trip to her daughters “to show” to her dog Coco!

Flight delayed but the powers of my Facebook status about going away (124 likes….”oh you’re on the other side of the world for 3 months!? At last! We thought you’d never leave us in peace”) I managed to meet up with the lovely Ali Ridley #nottinghamthrowback, who was on the same flight as me. Small world.

Headed to the gate, got to my seat, “hmm which one could be mine…..ah the one sandwiched next to the two screaming under 3 year olds of course”. Two more behind to ensure constant kicking of my chair and one three rows in front for maximum impact! 7hrs of screaming bliss all the way to Dubai. I think it was sometime after the little ones had stopped whacking me in the face with the safety card and just before one tried to chew my hair that I decided I have literally no maternal instinct whatsoever. 3 years old and off to Dubai?! What’s wrong with Devon! Jesus!!!!

Watched “Room”, Oscar nominated film based losely on Joseph Fritzl about a woman and her son kidnapped and locked in a room in a garage for 7 years by an evil captor…helped get things in perspective a bit.

Huge shout out here to Guy Cowdry pon the headphone recommendation, could barely hear the endless wailing once volume was up…who needs ear drums anyway right?!

Landed late in Dubai, missed our connecting flight to Sydney, “don’t worry you’ll be on the next one it leaves in 10 hours time” *searches for brown paper bag*…..Ali calmed me down…..the first page of my journal is a pre drafted complaint to Emirates…..only to be greeted at the gate by a smiley airport worker who had held our Sydney flight for us (and the 35 other people who would’ve been stranded). Never been so happy to board a 13.5hr flight in my life.

More toddlers, and sat behind the 5ft woman who reclined her seat fully four seconds after take off for the entire duration, no sleep, crap food (who knew fruit salad could actually taste savoury?!) and we landed!!

First celeb spot: Ross Noble.

Little chat at the luggage carousel where he tried to get me to buy a ticket for his Oz tour, no selfies I’m afraid Curtis, it’s a braver woman than me who asks a Geordie comedian for a picture after 27hrs of travelling!

Day of sleep and channelling my inner Tom Hanks, spending the day in the airport terminal eating over priced Maccy ds.

Quick whatsapp to the rents to confirm status as: alive. More importantly to wish the wonderful Papa Thurlow a very happy birthday! Sorry i can’t be there to celebrate…..x

Now 12.30am, wide awake, massively jet lagged, so doing the only thing any sensible person in this predicament would do…watching a Chinese quiz show about memory where a man has to identify which one of 300 eggs in a line he was shown before the show…and dancing around my room to Jamiroquai…….send help!

xxx