The inevitable time has fiiiiinally come, the day you’ve all waited for, yes it’s really got THAT bad….I’ve started this shit show blog up again.

For those of you who were waiting for this as the cue to dig out the absinthe and drink yourselves into final oblivion, you’ll be missed on the readership figures…for those of you who’ve waited patiently…baited breath to read these aloud to one another, hands held, Kumbaya style round the fire…I thank you for your patience…and yes that is the sound of birds singing and children laughing on the wind, for happy days are here again! #givethepeoplewhatheywant

First off, let’s address what an absolute pile of shit all this is innit. No amount of ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ is gunna get us through to lunchtime let end of the day at the mo, but the good news is where positive mental attitude fails, gin comes into it’s own. I would personally like to take the opportunity to applaud not only our key workers but also our gin distillers at this difficult and unprecedented time.

Nugget of wisdom alert: nothing like an international viral disaster and empty shelves for us all to realise that tonic is fucking tonic and that “premium aromatic mixers” are not essential!! I think I speak for us all when I say that at least 70% of us would’ve drunk turps by the middle of week 2…so let’s not be pretentious twats about this shall we! #youknowwhoimtalkingabout #brandsthatrhymewithFeverBee

So amidst becoming what I am proudly declaring as an “entry level alcoholic” I am also now moonlighting as a semi professional “colour-er in-er” and “things in the cupboard flavour” gourmet chef. #yetmorestringstomybow #itsnotfairontheothersnowiknow #somanyendlesstalents

In exciting news, I’m recently “off the market” I guess you’d say…. for now (cue hearts of men breaking across the nation…#iknowiknow #sozbabe) acutely aware there’s still time for me to royally fuck that up, but for now I’m still full Bridget, but just that bit near the end of the first film, where she’s charming and hasn’t made a tit out of herself in front of his work friends yet. He’s less sappy than Marc Darcy and less of a twat than Daniel Cleaver so….reviews don’t come much more stellar than that do they! #andtheysayromanceisdead

But hey, nothing like a global pandemic to add that je n’ais ce quoi to my glittering dating career. What could possibly go wrong joint quarantining with someone I’ve known for less time than those potatoes have been in my cupboard!! Isolation dating pastimes have so far included “low level passive aggressive arguing about what to watch on Netflix” “anything you want sweetheart….oh not that…..how about this” and perfecting “oh I always chill at home like this” in overtly glamorous outfits and not that old jumper with the gravy stain on it….

“Met the parents” via Zoom (#somodern #edgy #technologicaltrailblazers). The entire experience was as to be expected, flagged by dad’s self professed “internationally humorous” brand of chat…the opening gambit of “To be honest, we are just glad to see someone is actually interested in Emma” as predictable as it was side splittingly witty………!!! #dadbants

But so far so good eh…and on a (rarely) serious note, he is in the “absolutely nailing it” quartile of the ‘How great is this man’ charts (in a completely PG sense you absolute perverts…#bitofblueforthedads #everyonelovesaninuendo) He is painfully attractive and also top bants (I know what you’re thinking…a combo you thought only I had perfected…appaz not!) and has actually saved me from going “full Sylvia Plath” in times of isolation quarantine (#highbrowreference) so let’s take some time to applaud him for that amidst his many other qualities. You’re doing good JB ❤ (though all this reminds me to dig out that stick to bat off all the suitors who will inevitably continue to throw themselves at me. What can I say it’s a cross I have to bare. #hardlife #formanorderlyqueue #gravystainedjumperchic

Given that this crisis has highlighted that the majority of my hobbies apparently centre around going out to only non essential businesses and touching my face….keeping oneself entertained is proving more challenging than first anticipated.

Completed Netflix last year when I did isolation 1.0 with a broken leg…and scooped up the rest of the additions during isolation 2.0 the ‘2020 unemployment’ edition which I’ve been in for like 3 months before this shit even started lads! So I’m kind’ve a pro…and also completely out of ideas…#nohopefortherestofyou

Plus…there’s only so many living room performances of Les Mis you can do before your neighbours try to set your house on fire….get really jel of your Broadway quality singing talents #triplethreat #callmyagent #wheresmytonyawardbabe #doyouhearthepeoplesing #yeahwevehearditforthatlast3weeksbabe (cheeky little Les Mis pun for you all you musical fans! You’re welcome…)

 

Who knows where the end to this bizarre tunnel is and whether more government enforced disappointment lies on the other side. A bit like when you drive through the Dartford tunnel with such hope and excitement only to get to the other side and realise you’re not in Narnia but only in fucking Essex…but we shall keep calm and carry on in true British style.

Like our great grandparents before us who dodged night raids, bombings and the oppressing, all encompassing fear of war, we shall continue to sit on our arses eating an array of high carbohydrate snacks and binge watching old episodes of Friends we have already seen until this all blows over #wecanbeheroes #pivot #scoffitlikeitshot

But for now, I’m off, I’ve got several wildly unnecessary items to order off Amazon, 5 suburban roads of government approved walking than need hoofing and 6hrs of “Heart Fm 90s” to listen to whilst I attempt to convince the hot guy living in my house I am actually a complete catch….til soon xx