Dear Emma (on the last day of your 20s),

Boyfriends – 0
Cigarettes smoked – 0
Weddings attended – 4,586
Hours spent listening to James Taylor and Joni Mitchell whilst wistfully staring out the window as if you’re in a music video – too many to count!

So, what phrase is best to sum up the decade? I know what you’re thinking….”NAILED IT”…but let’s be honest, probably “erm…..riiiiiiight” is more apt. Get real here, I’m not entirely sure even Charlie Sheen would have seen some of this last 10 years as “winning” (which considering he was confident he had “dragon blood” is a bit of a fail!)

Sure there’s been some amazing bits…but there’s also been big change! So let’s have a little re-run and see what we can learn for the next 10 years…

The heady “good old days” of slavishly trekking to Nottingham University’s premier night spot, Ocean every Friday when you were 20 are now replaced with drinking high end gin and erm….wishing you could still get away with going to Ocean every Friday…!

You’ve had “more jobs than hot dinners” – *actual hideously gross quote someone barked at me once* so in the spirit of independent womanhood, I am repurposing it for my own gain #allmyladieswhoindependent #howaboutdontbeadicktopeople

But in amongst the melé, you’ve become a fully qualified project manager with a very expensive certificate to your name (yeah, not quite sure how that happened either!) You’ve been “all about the kids” innit working at youth prisons, charities and museums. You’ve convinced George Osbourne to spend £150million on saving at risk artefacts, launched projects for Prince Charles and been heckled by prisoners. You’ve developed an unhealthy obsession with coloured stationary and “Big Pens” (…Pens….! read it again, with your mind out the gutter!!!) and we’ll gloss over the being asked to leave TWICE thing….

All this not including, your unofficial stint as a semi professional wedding guest / amateur photographer and, phew! Surely it must be time to retire soon, right?! (lol, JK….you’ll be down the coal mines at 80 the rate this economy and pension thing is going #ooohpolitical #highbrow)

Still, in positive news, after 10 years of graft think we’ve finally worked out what the consistent annoyance of jobs of the past decade is…it’s the “having work for a living” bit we dont enjoy….so I’m really glad we have at least sussed that for the future! #bitofadilemma #lotteryticketanyone

Your love life can most accurately be described as “average to poor”…but at least there’s room for improvement eh!

You’ve had one long term almost 5 year relationship this decade which, although we wouldn’t have changed it, involved an obscene amount of money being spent on sitting on a train for 5 hours every other weekend, only to finally end up in Kettering!!! Which, if you haven’t been to Kettering the best way I can describe it is, DON’T.

There have been a few too many wayward dating choices in this second half of the 20s…less said about those the better…but least you got some lols stories for the pub out of it. #everycloud #anotherdayinbridgetjonesparadise #someofthemmadeDanielCleaverlookalright

Annnnd, we know what we want and what we are looking for now (sort of!?) and even though he seems to be hiding under a shitting rock somewhere, will turn up at some point I’m sure #itsnotMarkDarcy #evenicouldntgetoverthatjumper

Social life has basically been “too busy for your own good!” And apart from 2017 where you had that really full of life, positive new years resolution of “say no to more stuff”, have pretty much “completed it mate” when it comes to social living it up.

You’ve been to 4,586 weddings in barns and seen a disproportionate amount of ways you can decorate with jam jars! (Public service announcement…no amount of glitter or ribbon makes it not just look like a jam jar!!)

You’ve eaten a LOT of sad looking roast dinners and drunk a LOT of “wine for the table” whilst making inane bullshit chit chat with more than enough “uncle knobheads” to last a lifetime. You’ve got drunk and embarrassed yourself thinking you can actively dance to a LOT of club classics and tried to bribe more than your fair share of DJs into playing “just one more Wham song” once the lights have gone on, and the bride and groom have basically already been on honeymoon for a week and a half!

Unbelievably, you have been to zero divorce parties (think that will be the jist of the 30s….we all…and let’s face it I think also you…know who you are)

You’ve broken your leg (did you mention that? The leg….not sure if people knew….) you’ve dyed your hair for the first time at the age of 20 bloody 8 – mainly spurred by that time you found that grey hair in the lift at work and genuinely nearly took it into your 1:1 appraisal as “evidence” you needed more holiday days!!! #50shadesofgrey #thenotsexyworkedition

You’ve spent a gross amount on a gym membership you don’t use enough, you’ve baked 50 obscenely expensive surprise birthday cakes and 100 failed batches of macaroons (get in the bloody bin French Patisserie!!!!) You’ve made new friends, got rid of some gross ones, joined dating apps, been on a series of horrendous dates which have only been successful as “funny stories for colleagues” and kissed a whole lot of frogs.

You’ve seen the world (though still not enough for that scratch map in the front room to look impressive yet!) so keep that up between now and 40 please! You’ve tried new foods, done new things, relied mainly on yourself and did a bloody good job of it (except that leg bit, thank God for Liz and the fam!)

You finally moved into your own little gaff and though you’ve decorated it like an ADHD child was given a pot of neon paint and several thousands of pounds to spend in junk shops, it’s yours (…to rent…every month…at an obscene expense!) Be happy there and don’t forget to lock up, even when drunk!

Goals for the next decade are to just have a laugh, try and find your way in this maze called being a grown up, pay your bills, work hard, love wholeheartedly (lols, or continue to do so skeptically and cynically! Just cos you’re 30 doesnt mean you need a personality transplant). Go on fun holidays, make new friends, just accept you will never understand Snapchat or who or what a “Dua Lipa” is, and try not to break, smash, or burn anything down.

As an aside, if a 6ft 4 Rugby player wants to come along for the next bit of the ride, then well that would be absolutely fine. Let’s work on that! But maybe do important shit like get a job first!…

(But seriously….where are all the fit single rugby players?!?)

It might’ve had its ups and downs, but hey, at least it wasnt bloody boring!

So…talk thirty to me! Not entirely sure what this decade will hold for us, if we’ve learnt anything these past 10 years it’s that only mystery, questionable men (and “save the date” cards) seem to be round most corners! But a wise pair once said “you can only do your best, as your best is all you can do” (pretty sure the rents only intended that advice to be for tryna pass GCSEs and shit, not as a blanket policy for your entire life…but whatever, it’s good advice!)

So “catch ya later” 29 (probs actually will, like when you’re 35 and over this “old” thing and think you can still get away with being 29 forever!) Its been fun…mostly…but for now, we got a hot date with this new guy called 30, but dont worry, cos you’ve got this! You’re totally ready for it…

…I think!

Emma x