“Let’s celebrate!…There’s a party going on right here..a celebration to last throughout the years. So bri…” well yeah you get the jist!!!

Well can you chuffin’ believe it? This weekend marks 6 whole months since I snapped my leg like a Twiglet at a shit christmas party, and I know exactly what you’re thinking….no one cares! But since I’ve still got a LOT of time on my hands thought it should be marked with a blog.

It’s hard to think that half a bloomin’ year has passed, when all I really have to show for it is:

– Borderline gout for most of December thanks to just keep saying “I can eat this cheese cos I’ve got a broken leg and I’m sad”,

– A lapsed but still expensive gym membership

– And a certificate (which I made myself, decorated in Crayon, that says I’ve “completed Netflix”!!

And I’m not even exagerrating, that really is all I’ve got to show for it. Unless you also count my badass scars…which I like to tell unsuspecting children, were from a shark bite!

It’s been a rocky road to April though and broken leg life has thrown more than a few trials an tribulations my way!

The first 3 months were essentially spent with a prescription drug habit that would’ve put Charlie Sheen to shame. #doitfortheTram #goingcoco-damol! I quickly learned it’s never good when you are researching side effects of your narcotic medication, that “Talk to Frank”, “Narcotics Anonoymous” and Adverts for the Priory, feature in the top 10 Google results… (it does however explain city-wide popularity of over the counter versions purchased in Vietnam and explain why Liz had so much trouble tracking some of those badboys down. She was essentially living the life of a low level pusher for 3 days…for those who don’t know Liz, think Wee-Bey from the Barksdale crew but with the figure of Elle McPherson)

I only spent around 4 hours a day awake…and most of that time was either spent crying from pain, eating aforementioned cheese or jabbing myself in the stomach with blood thinners. That is one bad boy anyone who ever breaks a limb abroad conveniently forgets to mention!!! 64 continuous days of daily, self administered injections to combat the high risk of blood clots, thanks to cabin pressure and snapped limbs not being the best of pals! I never had a lifetime ambition to own my own “yellow sharps disposal box” and I hope never to have one again! #pileofshit #jabberthefuck?!

I had far too many toooo close for comfort encounters when it came to reaching a toilet in the middle of the night! Started to make that Kermode from the ward seem like a smart idea! Next time youre desperate for a wee at 3am, I challenge you to walk there with one leg and imagine the other still in pieces as you drag yourself, half asleep and crying to the bathroom! #roleplaynoonewannado

Personal highlight of course not forgetting my actual breakdown in my local shopping centre back in Jan! I can safely say my local shopping precinct is pretty much the most depressing place on earth anyway, so couple that with a ludicrous argument which stemmed from where to store a Gary Barlow autobiography and you’ve set yourself the scene!

Hindsight helps me, to of course, find the funny, but the start of 2019 was (as my beloved Bill and Ted would say) “Most Henious”!!! When you’re already feeling rock bottom and then you break your shitting leg in the most ridiculous freak accident on the most needed “cheer yourself up” holiday ever, it’s hard to think the world is not against you!!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who spends most days thinking they are actually on The Truman Show, and any minute all will be revealed as an elaborate hoax and I’ll realise it was all a big lol and I’ll win a speedboat and get to start again!!

This leg has prompted, hands down, some of the darkest, shittest days I’ve ever had…and left me with a few hefty scars on the inside too. I’ve realised who’s around when the chips are down, the nice ones from the utter, raging narcissists and that true heartbreak comes from that horrific feeling of being thrown away by friendships too. I’ve had months of sleepless nights, days of drifting from start to finish, drained of effort and energy. I’ve shed countless tears over my inability to do the silliest, simplest of tasks and thought 150,000 times as to why we didn’t just go to the fucking beer tent and not walk down the hill to see that bloody piece of shit statue of the Buddah!!!!

It’s been bloody awful. And I’ve hated so much of it. And I think that bit is important to tell too.

Keep an eye out for your friends lads, we’ve all got our own battles to fight, so remember to be kind, always strive to be a better friend and don’t throw people away when things get hard. Cos it might be the hardest knock of them all. We all fall down from time to time so remember to be there to pick people up..hold out a hand and hope they’ll do the same for you.

But I’ve made it to April, the haloed 6 month milestone, the first the consultants said I would reach and begin to feel better. And they were right. I’ve said bye to the wheelchair, the permanent double crutches and the moonboot and can now walk tall (if a bit limpy) with the the one stick which I hope will be a distant memory in a couple of months time.

I’m able to visit a toilet unaided (living the 29 year old dream!) I’m able to drive (only the automatic mind…id shred the clutch at the best of times!) Aaaaand can stay awake for most of the day thanks to absence of spoony meds #skillstopaythebills #winningatadulting

I’m grasping a regained sense of independence with both hands and a heart full of admiration for people who face the difficulties of long term disabilities every day. I’ve written strongly worded emails to 3 different train network providers for unbelievably shit customer service for passengers with mobility issues and brandished my stick in fury more times than I can remember…but with a fair bit of physical and mental hard work, im beginning to feel a little bit like myself again!

6 months may seem like a silly celebration, but for many reasons, not too long ago, felt like a milestone I’d neeeever bloody reach! So screw the silliness!!!! Cos today I’ll be pouring myself a bloody big gin, throwing on some Bill Turnbull Classics and saying “onwards and upwards to the rest of 2019”! The half a year of minimal dramas (….please!!!)

Xx