The 4 hour drive down to Hoi An was a bit hairy as still felt crap after yesterday’s near miss at the Tomb. We took the scenic route through the Hai Van Pass which I was asleep for most of…. #greattravelcompanion #poorliz

Today was Cambridge Aimee’s birthday so we were celebrating…by being on a bus until 2pm! But we got her a card (#coswearenicelikethat #whyarentweinthecoolgang) and vowed to head out with her, Callum and the others later that evening for some drinks.

Stopped off half way to get out and about and have a wander and take some scenic snaps. Clambering up on dishevelled old rocks to see the scenery was a bit touch and go so we pitched up with Anne and played our new favourite game “how many fags can Anne humanly smoke before getting back on the bus”!?!?! She’s ridiculous. If you cut her she’d bleed Benson’s! #whatahero #moreashthanBurtfromMaryPoppins

Arrived in Hoi an at lunchtime and it is simply gorgeous. We were instantly in love. It was the epitome of the Vietnam we imagined. Loads of windy cute streets and places to eat, coffee shops and weird bars and criss cross alleyways lined with lanterns. This was our kindve Vietnam!

They banned motor vehicles from the old town and it makes such a huge difference to the quality of life in the centre. Its the first real feeling of serenity on pretty much the whole holiday and has been dreamy yo walk the river and breathe in the fresh air safe in the knowledge we actually won’t be moving for 3 days! #theriverstillhums #butyouknowwhatimean

After the standard hotel drop off, and finally being in one place for more than a day (!!) we wanted to crack on with laundry!! Our guide assured us we leave this to the professional locals and so, with apologetic faces we handed over a giant bag. Liz horrified at the thought of handing over her knickers to someone else, but I reassured her probably only 1 or 2 pairs would end up on ebay / the dark web and we headed out….

We met our Hoi An guide and wandered the town on our orientation walk to get our bearings. Liz’s sense of direction is actually really ace and mine is about as reliable as Stevie Wonder doing Duke of Edinburgh so left her to it…

Had a “family” lunch at another specially selected, super pricey establishment owned by “a friend of Jack our guide” #werenttheyluckytogetourbusiness #daylightrobbery. Was all a bit weird, big old sales push for the buckets of cocktails, which even we weren’t feeling at 12 noon! The “top lads bants lads gang” obviously went full pelt, something tells me we will see what the repercussions of that will be later I’m sure.

Loads of weird and wonderful little finds in the old town, plenty of spiritual temples and shrines of figures they worship, apparently including Kenny Rodgers…..

Evening was bday celebrations time for Aimee #yesthatsreallyhowshespellsit.

Nice meal but you guessed it, another of Jack’s commission specials, with his mates charging us 150x what we’ve been used to paying….getting a bit ridiculous now

Over to the new town for drinks at Tiger Tiger bar, minus a couple of the top lads gang who unbelievably had been projectile vomming after the bucket cocktails from lunch….#whowouldvethoughtit #toldyaso #70%alcohol

Health and safety was NOT priority at the bar as we were all called inside for an indoor fireworks display (!!!) which spat flaming hot ash all over the birthday girl, accompanied by a waiter holding a pressurised aerisol canister of fake snow right next to the open flames….so many fummmmes.

Was a really fun eve actually, weirdest bar which played re-runs of Ultimate Fighting Champion on a 6ft screen and Westlife on a loop but it was happy hour for the whole night, and the atmosphere was great.

£2 a cocktail, bargain considering they were was mainly made up of 85% lighter fluid!

Testament to who knows what being in our cocktails was back at our room when out of nowhere Liz finishes brushing her teeth and comes into our room to announce “I think the most famous person I’ve ever had a conversation with is Len Goodman”!!!! Haha… #hopewevejustgotsunstroke #rohypnolchasers

Wednesday was a free day, praise Buddah! The tour has legit been so busy and stressful and ‘forced fun’ with people who are not our friends. We just desperately needed a chill morning lie in. We watched a shit film just cos it had Idriss Elba in #swoon, washed our hair and filled in our journals.

Today was also the day for me to collect my handmade dress which we had scoured thousands of tailor shops asking them to make me on arrival day. I fell in love with The Vampires Wife silk falconetti last year, but on account of not wanting to spend £2,300 on an original thought I’d test the famous skills of Hoi An tailors to make me a copy. Absolutely delighted with it and a steal for just £40, i cant wait to wear it this Christmas! Super excited to get festive (and also that I saved £2,260!!!)

This afternoon’s inclusive activity was the hilariously titled Oodles of Noodles cooking class. An awesome social enterprise project teaching underprivileged young people in Hoi An how to cook and gain skills needed for the high end catering and tourism industry. Today they taught us how to make rice noodles and we smashed it. So tasty and fun to give something new a go!

Spent the rest of the day with Anne #obvs #nootherfriends #butseriouslywhatahero. She was wearing a pair of trousers that looked like they’d gone through a bloody shredder.. no idea how she’d done that so we vowed to tackle the markets and get her some new ones

People in market kept calling her our mum….she insisted older sister was more apt!! Got some tacky souvineers and had a potter. Haggled mercilessly over 20p….#itsabouttheprinciple ha!!!!!

Back to the hotel to collect our washing which had been washed, dried, pressed and folded all for a grand total of £3.50 for 4 kilos of washing!! Phenomenal. It smelt so good we just spent 10 mins with our heads in the bag sniffing it #thesimplethings #backpackerproblems

Our final day in gorgeous Hoi An was another free day to do as we choose. #cantgetusedtothis #toomuchchoice and we had earmarked the amazing Golden Bridge as a must see. Unfortunately, our guide couldn’t be bothered to go again so set us up with a very illegitimate driver and a rickety old mini bus and sent the 7 of us on our way to visit whilst the others stayed in the old town.

The bridge, we didn’t realise is not an ancient wonder but in fact recently opened, man made and part of a bizare vietnamese attraction called Sun world.

The place started out as so hilarious. It’s essentially a really budget theme park, full of giant fibreglass sculptures and just seemed to be there for the sole purpose of taking selfies.

Liz fans will be delighted to hear that the entire day trip involved some of the highest heights we’ve seen so far and a cable car so steep it took an astonishing 40 minutes to climb into the foggy mountains!

Cable car itself came armed with sick bags….never a good sign and was so stupidly foggy, you could see nothing our the window. It was like being inside a carwash

Unbelievably, our old favourite and sign of terrible things to come played in the background, ‘My heart will go on’ from Titanic…we should’ve known!

The Golden hand bridge itself was so foggy you couldn’t see your hand in front of face let alone the scenic beauty we hoped for.

Was an absolute shocker, we tried to find the comedy in it and salavage some snaps

Desperate attempts to justify the 90min journey and £30 entrance fee by visiting the funfare at the top, which essentially consisted of the worst ghost train I’ve ever been on in my life. Was hilarious!!!! Photos were banned probs on account of the last scene being literally just a man who looked like Ainslie Harriet sitting at a desk doing his accounts…i mean adult we responsibilities are pretty terrifying but was so budget. We loved it!

Other attractions we ran out of time to make it over to included this questionably titled kids zone mystery maze….

It was a total fail but we were trying so hard to ensure the day out was all going so well until suddenly it really, really wasn’t….disaster was literally round the corner and we blissfully had no idea.

To be continued….