First outing as a “Sunshine Family” in Hanoi was for dinner at a local place Jack recommended. First “proper” meal we’d had in ages on account of being so full of luxury breakfasts we’ve basically survived on snacks and beer for ages! #greatadultingyetagain!

Bit of a tough crowd but we decided we have each other so who cares!!!! Had a few beers and got social chit chat niceties out of the way , I did my face where I pretend to be really interested in administration at insurance companies and no one asked us anything. Standard. Really starting to think we should just invent different lives for ourselves and see if anyone actually notices. #reginafelangie

Post dinner we were invited / forced to watch a special restaurant demonstration of a vietnamese speciality of Egg coffee! A poor man’s cappuccino which actually ends up being well expensive if you try and recreate…bit like tiramisu…its a coffee topped with 2 egg yolks, rum, condensed milk and honey all frothed…..verdict. pretty vile. The entire demonstration was riddled with the distinct inference that we should buy one (at £5 something a cup) so we mumbled something about “we not understand” and made a swift exit. It’s a money’s worth drink for sure as that badboy was repeating on us all the way back to the hotel! #whoputsaneggyolkinacoffee #delicaciesarealwaysgross

Evening was a wander through the famous night market and it was starting to get a tad visit one night market seen em all. But we had realised we hadn’t packed enough trousers! Firstly, to deal with all of the mosquitos who took any opportunity to get at my legs, but mainly to combat my arch summer nemesis that is “chub rub” #ifyouknowyouknow #thighsbestartingfiresoverhere.

Haggled for 15 minutes over 20p #becomesabouttheprinciple and each secured 2 pairs of trousers and a dress for a total of £4.50 #upyourgameprimark. Went home.happy trying to ignore the fact that all our clothes were made here and we are paying a 5000% mark.up literally everywhere at home.

Day 1 proper was a 6.30 start….Tour has well and truly begun! Gutted!!! Made it down for basic breakfast and minimal chit chat #wildparty #couplestalkaboutmortgagesanddinnerparties #wegotnothingtobringtothistable and headed onto our 4hr drive to Halong Bay. Penned as one of the highlights of the trip, we were looking forward to seeing just exactly what overnight stay on a “junk boat” means. Titanic continued on a loop at breakfast….just saying!

We met Mr minh, our tour guide for the trip. A real bonus above and beyond other tours I’ve done to have a person to look after the group and then knowledgeable local guides at each stop to give some info on the tour. He was a sweetheart we loved him. His chat was massively inappropriate and overtly sexual at times #vom but we excused him and put it down to language barrier #aintnochatlikeconcubinechat.

Arrived at the port, ready to set sail across Halong Bay and played our new favourite game….guess which shit boat is ours…The harbour was peppered with 4 story steam boats and yachts which would’ve put Phillip Greens to shame, and amidst all the glitz and glamour…the HMS about to fall apart came into view.

Comedy of errors boarding where we met the crew, and were offered a cool flannel (never ceases to amaze me how places think a wet towellete will hide the fact that their establishment is a shit hole!) and shown to our rooms. I say room…more like set from the Borrowers. But sweet enough and in the spirit of embracing adventure got on with it. Realised quickly though that a pirates life is not in fact for me….

A morning aboard mainly consisted of force feeding. We got sat with Hector and Nathalie for lunch who are just lovely but only speak Spanish. We played comedy game of charades whixh involved me making actual pig noises and pushing my nose to make a snout in order to describe what we were having for lunch. Learnt the Spanish for pig which I have immediately forgotten and ate in abject silence. Was actually quite nice though, food was good and felt civilised.

First stop in the afternoon was optional activity of Kayaking. The group had already left by the time I’d finished laughing contemplating us doing kayaking. Balance + water + sporting activity it was never gunna happen was it really. Stayed aboard and did what we are best at…having beer on a sun lounger and waited for the majority to return. #hahahahaha #meinakayak

First stop of for the whole group once water sports gang had returned was a hop off at one of the 1,969 islands that make up Halong Bay to scale the mountain there for some scenic views. Immediately obvious when we docked it was Tourist Trap central!!! Swarming with a near 50/50 combo of people with dreds “finding themselves” and elderly rich Americans in boat shoes clearly staying aboard the flashy chartered cruises.

We actually had to queue to get up the stairs to the viewing platform at the top!!! Unspoilt paradise this ain’t. Some lovelt views when you could battle your way through the selfie sticks and yells of “Gerry, honey doesn’t this remind you of that movie we saw”… #elderlyamericansaretheactualworst

Back to the boat for Evening meal and time zone, travel and consistent stodgy food starting to catch up with me. Tried to be polite but the smell of bbq oysters pushed me over the edge and I retired to our cabin instead of having dinner. Not before I’d watched the group try and swallow their oysters though. #comedygold Having had 3 different types of oyster in my lifetime (grilled in Tokyo, tempura in the Caribbean and lemon caper raw in London) I know that however and whatever you do to an oyster it is still rancid. If I could’ve bottled the comedy of travel companions tryna swallow them…id never need work again!!!! One girls was back in the shell almost instantly after she swallowed it and I really felt for the guy who decided to chew it #straightinthenapkin #bushtuckertrial #scaredforlife #juststicktotheprawnsmate

I was glad of the escape and a lie down, despite the bed being akin to a morturist slab and the motion like being on a shitty carny house of fun fairground ride!!! #canyousaymotionsickness #iwannagetoff. Enterainmentfor the rest of the gang was kareoke which thabks to paper thin floors and ceilings kept me awake til midnight. Kylie would’ve turned in her grave at some.of the renditions, which considering she isn’t actually dead is testament to the performances.

Day 2 was an optional totally not optional 5.30 start for Tai Chi wirh our guide Mr Minh. He was a master of his craft for over 30 years and despite the abject horror of the 5am alarm was actually a nice calming way to start the day. My balance was obviously appalling and near “man overboards” a bit too close for comfort on occasion but I tried.

Stop this morning was a visit to the famous Surprise caves where we discovered quickly that the surprise was that they were a bit crap. Mr Minh pointed out inappropriate rock formations Including this one he called happy monk who He insisted looked like a monk woth an erection…..he then proceeded to laugh and point his laser pointer at said erection for over 5 minutes. We all felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave.

The place was stuffed full of tourists again and not a patch on Carlsbad caverns in the US.

Afternoon was getting to know our tour group a bit better after interesting first impressions. Frida, our 75yr old Canadian companion has got an absolute arsenal of stories from tales of travels before. She recentlt sold her home and most of her belongings at 73 to travel and as is abundantly obvious was clearly minted before hand as she has zero worries about being able to afford these trips and casually mentions that her son’s are doctors or lawyers in Toronto. The best tales are stories about sharing rooms with people including guys on other trips “who were really really good guys if you know what I’m saying” and 35yrs younger…..!!! Think she’s kindve like a cougar who just travels to pray on men under 40. #prettysurethatsfrownedupon #whatsolderthanacougar #GILF

Survived life at sea and back for 1 final day back in Hanoi. We had free time to wander before our dreaded night train to Hue at 7pm. Had done some cultural bits pre tour so decided we had earned a nice massage to fix our backs and necks after pirate life!!! Extensive trip advisor research and settled on a back neck and shoulder 60 mins for a grand total of £12!!! Bargain.

Personal low was that is started with them washing our feet…clearly on the proviso that they smelt so foul they weren’t prepared to let us get on the table before doing do!!! #attractive #sweatytrainerlife and we were led upstairs. There was a room with 2 beds and a bath…really touch and go at first as to whether they were legit expecting us to have a full on bath before but we managed to dodge that and got ready for the main event.

It was all going well until around 10 minutes in where the masseurs proceeded to climb abord the tables, pull down our towels to literally expose our entire bare arses and mount us like donkeys at Blackpool beach!!!! Knees were in spines, full weight on our backs, moves I have never seen or heard of in modern massage but only read of in tales of medieval torture!!!! Every fibre of my being was trying not to laugh. It finished and we smiled politely before bursting into fits when they left. Not sure exactly what we’d survived and unsure if we’d been mildly sexually assaulted but glad it was over! Something tells me this might not be our only bizarre massage experience whilst here in Asia!

Picked up our belongings and left!!! Met the group and headed to the station for our vile night train down to our next stop, Hue. #vom #prayforus!