The weather at SunWorld took a savage turn for the worst as the day continued and despite Liz and I being in favour of finding the Bavarian beer tent and cashing in our free beer tokens before heading down, the group decided to head on to see the “Big Buddah”. Having spent almost 3 weeks in Asia we’ve seen enough Big Buddahs (#notaeuphamismactualBuddahs) to last us a lifetime! So we were anticipating a fibre glass replica which had been there for less than a month to look distinctly average in the rain….

However, we never actually got to see it on account of of me slipping and falling and hideously snapping my leg in 3 places on the way!!!!

True actual words spoken.

I full on broke my leg!! In 3 places.

Up a mountain.

The uneven terrain, pouring rain and steep incline #canyousayhealthandsafety meant I slipped, slid and after an excruciating CRUNCH (the sound of which I will never forget for as long as I live!!!) – poof – my holiday was officially over!

Amidst the unimaginable pain and the crying in a heap on the floor (also excessive swearing the likes of which Ozzy Osbourne with tourettes would take his hat off to!) I could feel the overwhelming disaster creeping in over everything. After the shitty end to the year I’ve had, and the fact that I so desperately needed a holiday, and to catch a bloody break after many more months of life trapped in Bridget Jones Paradise (!) I was devastated. As a planner, this is absolutely something i do everything I can to mitigate against, but unfortunately just a freak accident so out of my control I was helpless!

Unfortunately the crunch was just the beginning of the next 3 days of disaster, farce and absolute agony for me and beloved Liz who I could not have survived without.

I am so lucky to say I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I have really needed to rely on the love and support of friends and on all of those terrible occasions….she has honestly always been there. To hold my hand, to tell me it will be ok, to keep me calm and to make me feel that whatever happens next, we are a team and I’m not alone. I still don’t know how I will thank her for that day or the pile of shit events that followed but if there was any glimmer of positivity to come out of that moment, she was it.

At times when the chips are down you really realise who your real friends are. The ones who stick around rain or shine, the ones who selflessly sacrifice to support you and the ones who never let you down. If I’ve learned anything getting old (#nearly30 #vom) it’s that you may only be lucky enough in life to find 1 or 2 of these people who truly know how to put themselves to the side to help others and who care for and about you no matter what.

Not only is Liz one of those people, she did it with grace, selflessness and without even flinching. I think I’ll always be in awe of her that day and not only how brave she was, how practical, and pragmatic, but how some superhero gene kicked in almost instantly and despite being 1500m up the side of a mountain, 6,000 miles from home, and staring extensive surgery and months or recovery in the face, I knew that because she was there, everything would be alright.

I knew before I went away there are few people I could stomach on a holiday for more than a week and after Ibiza, I was so sure we had this traveller thing down!! Clearly forgot I am still painfully clumsy and fall over no less than 3 time a a week (absolute minimum!!!!) My friends barely even bother to help me up anymore it’s so frequent…but even I’ve never managed to break an actual LIMB, in my entire 29 career as a walking liability! How the bloody hell was i going to get home!!??!!

The days that followed couldn’t have been any more farcical if we’d have been filming a Fawlty Towers remake in Vietnam!!!! Main lesson learned from all of this (though pretty sure one we knew before) do NOT get sick in Vietnam!!!

An absolute comedy of errors attempt to get me down the fuck off massive mountain ensued. Picture the scene, best part of 2 hours, pouring rain, leg flapping all over the shop and 3 skinny Vietnamese men trying to carry me IN a wheelchair DOWN an escalator…..and onto a shitting cable car (last of Liz’s worries by this point!!!) for a not so scenic glide, more shrieking, agonising, trundle back to sea level so only then could we begin the 70 minute journey to the nearest hospital.

Arrived after what felt like an eternity at the worst A&E I had ever seen. Stretchers full of what looked like extras from The Exorcist – people writhing in pain, some vomiting, others screaming and convulsing at doctors. No curtains for dignity or modesty, instead a 4 inch gap between you and the next patient so close you could hold their hand……..or catch their SARS disease! It was like a war hospital. Flies everywhere. No consideration for safety or privacy and unsurprisingly a giant language barrier.

I take back what I said in Hong Kong about the scariest thing in life being getting your head or hand caught in something or the sound of a fire alarm in a foreign language and replace both with “a Vietnamese A&E doctor handing you mystery drugs and wheeling you to an unknown location for unknown treatment.

After what felt like hours, the X-Ray verdict confirmed what we already knew, 1 very broken leg and one very broken English statement amounting to “you need surgical plates and pins to fix this”. I was then given the easiest choice of the day “do you want the surgery here now, or wait til home” I had to make some difficult phone calls to Mama & Papa T to calmly and cooly explain, whilst looking at my wobbly leg, that “Erm..well there’s nothing to worry about…but, erm…ive had a slight mishap in Vietnam”! Nightmare.

Refusing surgery means you are unceremoniously wheeled into a corridor and left to make your own way back to wherever you came from. No plaster cast, no bandage, so assistance, instead I was left with a flimsy Velcro strap literally keeping the bones together and the biggest joke of all:

prescribed 1 paracetamol 3x a day for the pain….

I take more for a headache!!!! I’d take more in ANTICIPATION of a headache…it was literally horrendous!

We somehow made it back over an hour and a half to the hotel in Hoi An with a pair of comedy crutches purchased in cash from a questionable pharmacy next door to A&E, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Tiny Tim Cratchet hobbled his way to Church past Mr Scrooge and began the mammoth task of operation: “Get me back to the UK” !

Unbelievably shoutout to Marks & Spencer’s Travel Insurance (#notanAd #shouldbeanAd) for their blinding efforts to secure me a flight, albeit the soonest out of there in 2 and a half days time.

Interim comedy included the insurance company arranging for me to be visited at the hotel by a dead ringer for Dr Nick from the Simpsons but Vietnamese, who let himself into our hotel room without knocking and came at us brandishing a huge comedy syringe and screaming “bloods for plane”…#terrifying #worstdayever. We finally managed to understand it was something to prevent clots before the long haul 13hr flight on Sunday (I’d only just forgotten about that!!!) and he thrust it into my stomach with all the grace of a hippo doing ballet.

All jokes assides the pain was so horrific I couldn’t see. Liz was having to grab my hand and distract me any which way she could, doing her best “accents from around the world” impressions to raise a tiny smile amidst what was basically just hours of me sobbing my heart out, passing out or having delirious sceeaming episodes. It was honestly 3 days of absolute torture, no sleep (for either of us, she watched me like a hawk all night!!!) and glamorous scenarios like being flannel washed in bed and Liz lifting me onto the toilet seat!!!!

We became closer than friends maybe anyone should be over those 3 awful days!!! I dont think our plan for our trip of a lifetime ever included a friend having to use the phrase “do you need me to help you wipe after after your wee, Em” that is actual true love right there!!!! #friendgoals #oneinamillion

Very important to say I would also have not been able to make it home without another very special friend…a HUGE shout out to sumpremely talented Dr Toby Visholm for expert, clearly explained and phenomenal orthopaedic advice from 6000 miles away. On hand not only to reassure me, support me and review my x rays (!) but most importantly advise me as to alternative medication I should be seeking to survive a 13hr plane journey with a broken leg!!!

I have honestly never felt so lucky to have such wonderful (coincidently orthopaedic surgeon!) friends! Tibbs you’re one of a kind mate and I am so so grateful for all your help in Nam and since I’ve been home. Not all heroes wear capes guys…some wear red chinos and tweed! Love you Dr Vis! #hero #friendshipgoals #beardyDrsarethebestkind

Survived the flight back to Blighty thanks to Liz scouring several hundred pharmacies across Ho Chi Minh city with a photo of a box of medication and a prayer that they would sell controlled medication over the counter. God bless Vietnam’s completely laxed prescription process #opiodsfordays #praisebuddah. Emergency pharmacist / paramedic just another string to to Liz’s beautiful (and very well equipped) bow!!!

In short, pedometer steps on hold for a while….as is the blog until I guess I have some inciteful lols to share about ankle plates and hospital wards in the UK!!!

For those worried about my intreprid companion, I of course refused to let Liz come with me (despite her offering every 30 seconds) as she now needs to go and smash the travels for both of us. It’s her trip of a lifetime that I was just crashing the start of anyway, so onwards and upwards to the next few months of adventure beautiful lady.

But a word of warning to anyone who thought that she couldn’t do this or that inexperienced travellers find it tough, you single handedly proved everyone wrong! You’re strong and brave and tough Liz, and don’t you ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You’ve got this!!! Now go out there and absolutely ‘ave it…(love you more)

Updates soon xxx

The 4 hour drive down to Hoi An was a bit hairy as still felt crap after yesterday’s near miss at the Tomb. We took the scenic route through the Hai Van Pass which I was asleep for most of…. #greattravelcompanion #poorliz

Today was Cambridge Aimee’s birthday so we were celebrating…by being on a bus until 2pm! But we got her a card (#coswearenicelikethat #whyarentweinthecoolgang) and vowed to head out with her, Callum and the others later that evening for some drinks.

Stopped off half way to get out and about and have a wander and take some scenic snaps. Clambering up on dishevelled old rocks to see the scenery was a bit touch and go so we pitched up with Anne and played our new favourite game “how many fags can Anne humanly smoke before getting back on the bus”!?!?! She’s ridiculous. If you cut her she’d bleed Benson’s! #whatahero #moreashthanBurtfromMaryPoppins

Arrived in Hoi an at lunchtime and it is simply gorgeous. We were instantly in love. It was the epitome of the Vietnam we imagined. Loads of windy cute streets and places to eat, coffee shops and weird bars and criss cross alleyways lined with lanterns. This was our kindve Vietnam!

They banned motor vehicles from the old town and it makes such a huge difference to the quality of life in the centre. Its the first real feeling of serenity on pretty much the whole holiday and has been dreamy yo walk the river and breathe in the fresh air safe in the knowledge we actually won’t be moving for 3 days! #theriverstillhums #butyouknowwhatimean

After the standard hotel drop off, and finally being in one place for more than a day (!!) we wanted to crack on with laundry!! Our guide assured us we leave this to the professional locals and so, with apologetic faces we handed over a giant bag. Liz horrified at the thought of handing over her knickers to someone else, but I reassured her probably only 1 or 2 pairs would end up on ebay / the dark web and we headed out….

We met our Hoi An guide and wandered the town on our orientation walk to get our bearings. Liz’s sense of direction is actually really ace and mine is about as reliable as Stevie Wonder doing Duke of Edinburgh so left her to it…

Had a “family” lunch at another specially selected, super pricey establishment owned by “a friend of Jack our guide” #werenttheyluckytogetourbusiness #daylightrobbery. Was all a bit weird, big old sales push for the buckets of cocktails, which even we weren’t feeling at 12 noon! The “top lads bants lads gang” obviously went full pelt, something tells me we will see what the repercussions of that will be later I’m sure.

Loads of weird and wonderful little finds in the old town, plenty of spiritual temples and shrines of figures they worship, apparently including Kenny Rodgers…..

Evening was bday celebrations time for Aimee #yesthatsreallyhowshespellsit.

Nice meal but you guessed it, another of Jack’s commission specials, with his mates charging us 150x what we’ve been used to paying….getting a bit ridiculous now

Over to the new town for drinks at Tiger Tiger bar, minus a couple of the top lads gang who unbelievably had been projectile vomming after the bucket cocktails from lunch….#whowouldvethoughtit #toldyaso #70%alcohol

Health and safety was NOT priority at the bar as we were all called inside for an indoor fireworks display (!!!) which spat flaming hot ash all over the birthday girl, accompanied by a waiter holding a pressurised aerisol canister of fake snow right next to the open flames….so many fummmmes.

Was a really fun eve actually, weirdest bar which played re-runs of Ultimate Fighting Champion on a 6ft screen and Westlife on a loop but it was happy hour for the whole night, and the atmosphere was great.

£2 a cocktail, bargain considering they were was mainly made up of 85% lighter fluid!

Testament to who knows what being in our cocktails was back at our room when out of nowhere Liz finishes brushing her teeth and comes into our room to announce “I think the most famous person I’ve ever had a conversation with is Len Goodman”!!!! Haha… #hopewevejustgotsunstroke #rohypnolchasers

Wednesday was a free day, praise Buddah! The tour has legit been so busy and stressful and ‘forced fun’ with people who are not our friends. We just desperately needed a chill morning lie in. We watched a shit film just cos it had Idriss Elba in #swoon, washed our hair and filled in our journals.

Today was also the day for me to collect my handmade dress which we had scoured thousands of tailor shops asking them to make me on arrival day. I fell in love with The Vampires Wife silk falconetti last year, but on account of not wanting to spend £2,300 on an original thought I’d test the famous skills of Hoi An tailors to make me a copy. Absolutely delighted with it and a steal for just £40, i cant wait to wear it this Christmas! Super excited to get festive (and also that I saved £2,260!!!)

This afternoon’s inclusive activity was the hilariously titled Oodles of Noodles cooking class. An awesome social enterprise project teaching underprivileged young people in Hoi An how to cook and gain skills needed for the high end catering and tourism industry. Today they taught us how to make rice noodles and we smashed it. So tasty and fun to give something new a go!

Spent the rest of the day with Anne #obvs #nootherfriends #butseriouslywhatahero. She was wearing a pair of trousers that looked like they’d gone through a bloody shredder.. no idea how she’d done that so we vowed to tackle the markets and get her some new ones

People in market kept calling her our mum….she insisted older sister was more apt!! Got some tacky souvineers and had a potter. Haggled mercilessly over 20p….#itsabouttheprinciple ha!!!!!

Back to the hotel to collect our washing which had been washed, dried, pressed and folded all for a grand total of £3.50 for 4 kilos of washing!! Phenomenal. It smelt so good we just spent 10 mins with our heads in the bag sniffing it #thesimplethings #backpackerproblems

Our final day in gorgeous Hoi An was another free day to do as we choose. #cantgetusedtothis #toomuchchoice and we had earmarked the amazing Golden Bridge as a must see. Unfortunately, our guide couldn’t be bothered to go again so set us up with a very illegitimate driver and a rickety old mini bus and sent the 7 of us on our way to visit whilst the others stayed in the old town.

The bridge, we didn’t realise is not an ancient wonder but in fact recently opened, man made and part of a bizare vietnamese attraction called Sun world.

The place started out as so hilarious. It’s essentially a really budget theme park, full of giant fibreglass sculptures and just seemed to be there for the sole purpose of taking selfies.

Liz fans will be delighted to hear that the entire day trip involved some of the highest heights we’ve seen so far and a cable car so steep it took an astonishing 40 minutes to climb into the foggy mountains!

Cable car itself came armed with sick bags….never a good sign and was so stupidly foggy, you could see nothing our the window. It was like being inside a carwash

Unbelievably, our old favourite and sign of terrible things to come played in the background, ‘My heart will go on’ from Titanic…we should’ve known!

The Golden hand bridge itself was so foggy you couldn’t see your hand in front of face let alone the scenic beauty we hoped for.

Was an absolute shocker, we tried to find the comedy in it and salavage some snaps

Desperate attempts to justify the 90min journey and £30 entrance fee by visiting the funfare at the top, which essentially consisted of the worst ghost train I’ve ever been on in my life. Was hilarious!!!! Photos were banned probs on account of the last scene being literally just a man who looked like Ainslie Harriet sitting at a desk doing his accounts…i mean adult we responsibilities are pretty terrifying but was so budget. We loved it!

Other attractions we ran out of time to make it over to included this questionably titled kids zone mystery maze….

It was a total fail but we were trying so hard to ensure the day out was all going so well until suddenly it really, really wasn’t….disaster was literally round the corner and we blissfully had no idea.

To be continued….

We were dreading the night train from Hanoi after the gross experience of China which was essentially like being in a stinky coffin for 18hrs with travel companions who thought fermented eggs were suitable train snacks. #actualtripadvisorreview #ifanythingimbeinggenerous.

But it was actually relatively manageable. We didn’t get invited to the “party cabin” of our tour where all the “top lads bants” was kicking off BIG TIME, im talking they had at LEAST 3 beers guys so kindve a parrrrtaaaaaay. Instead played cards and drank tinnies with Anne in our cabin wondering in what parallel universe we are the rejects as Glaswegian accountants and a brummy insurance officer are the cool gang. #areweintheInbetweeners #youcantsitwithus

Another classic shot of Liz for the family album.

Arrived in Hue, after a touch and go visit to the train toilet, where we played our new favourite game of try not to touch anything and manage not to pee on your own leg whilst on a moving rickety old carriage #limitedsuccess #thighsofsteel

“Survived” is suitable description for the journey ….enjoyed is too strong a word but let’s say an “experience”.

Experience, noun definition: an activity that is basic and all round quite shit but that you convince yourself is worth paying thousands of pounds for because you are a backpack wanker finding themselves and it comes with the terrirory!

Couple too many experiences on this tour chunk.of the trip so far, but whatever. We soldier on, safe in the knowledge 7 star luxury awaits once we reach Thailand. #brave #suchemersivetravellers #bringbackchampagneforbreakfast

Hue itself a bit dull. We barely ate on the train and were feeling a bit peaky by the time we arrived at hotel. Place was nice actually. Managed a small breakfast (huge selection!) Including staple ingredient of all great buffets… Sweetcorn. I’ve missed you, little yellow friend. #GreenGiantmustbeamafiafamilyinAsia #thatshitiseverywhwere

Had an hour before back out to explore on our 1 day here. Spent nearly all of it just standing in the shower washing away the trauma of the train #trainstank #unclean #cooties #bestshowerofalltime

First stop was to meet our guide in reception for 3 highlights of Hue…in a day. Boarded the bus (still exhausted after grand total of about 35 mins sleep on night train!) Tried desperateltntonkeep eyes open for benefit of really informative guide…but we were all a tough crowd that day.

Saw The Forbidden City and learned loads about it’s history…. unfortunately standing in the sun for 45 mins straight….everyone feeling awful. #whosgunnafaintfirst

Liz made a few isn’t attempts at tryna do the clicky heel jump with such limited success I am actually still laughing about it…!!! And we saw yet more people on pursuit of the elusive Insta-perfect snap!

Has a little amble round. Beautiful architecture but so hot and tired we couldn’t really enjoy it.

Reckon highlight was getting an overpriced ice lolly in the shade. Only options were phallic ones so embraced it.

Guide was honestly great, so lnowledgeable and so proud of his hoke city. Showed us some great sights and explained how in 1968, a large proportion of fighting in the Vietnam War took place in Hue. Many of the sacred shrines and monuments we saw were littered with bullet holes, shells and landmine shrapnel or pieces of bombs. A stark reminder of the history on such a calm and peaceful day.

Went on to monastery to see some Buddhist monks. Mainly all in Brown robes, men and women, orange Buddhist robes reserved for highest rabking #orangeisthenewbrown #kindveabigdeal #futuresbrightfuturesorange

Casual monks on a moped

Monastery was also home to Thích Quăng Dúc, the Buddhist monk who in June 1961 drove this Austin car to Ho Chi Minh city (formerly Saigon) and set himself on fire in protest of the persecution of his people by the South Vietnamese government.

Starting to feel mega grim, tiredness plus 35 degrees plus 90% humidity meant the group were dropping like flies. Real personal low of the trip airgacwd shortly after, being violently sick in the graveyard tomb of the last ruling King in the Vietnamese monarchy!!! Honestly horrific. Thanks to extensive reconstruction (finally closed for refurb goes in our favour!) they had a western toilet….but it’s not going up as a life highlight, put it that way!!!

Trundled back to the hotel in the actual airline brace position…. #allglamour #alwaysme and rolled into bed. Had to swerve another family dinner in favour of a night in. Felt bad for Liz but her an Anne had a great night knocking back the Steins bybsounda of things so all was well!

Atw dry crackers and watched the Beauty and the Beast remake and contemplated the complexities of fancying the beast when he is a beast…but not when he is a man #beastialitycomplex #isthatjustme? #emmawatsonruinedthenentirefilm

Morning bought with it a 4hr drive through the Hai Van Pass to Hoi An and one of our most anticipated stops on the journey. Feeling horrendous and a 4hr coach trip…what could possibly go wrong?!?

Wish us luck xx

First outing as a “Sunshine Family” in Hanoi was for dinner at a local place Jack recommended. First “proper” meal we’d had in ages on account of being so full of luxury breakfasts we’ve basically survived on snacks and beer for ages! #greatadultingyetagain!

Bit of a tough crowd but we decided we have each other so who cares!!!! Had a few beers and got social chit chat niceties out of the way , I did my face where I pretend to be really interested in administration at insurance companies and no one asked us anything. Standard. Really starting to think we should just invent different lives for ourselves and see if anyone actually notices. #reginafelangie

Post dinner we were invited / forced to watch a special restaurant demonstration of a vietnamese speciality of Egg coffee! A poor man’s cappuccino which actually ends up being well expensive if you try and recreate…bit like tiramisu…its a coffee topped with 2 egg yolks, rum, condensed milk and honey all frothed…..verdict. pretty vile. The entire demonstration was riddled with the distinct inference that we should buy one (at £5 something a cup) so we mumbled something about “we not understand” and made a swift exit. It’s a money’s worth drink for sure as that badboy was repeating on us all the way back to the hotel! #whoputsaneggyolkinacoffee #delicaciesarealwaysgross

Evening was a wander through the famous night market and it was starting to get a tad visit one night market seen em all. But we had realised we hadn’t packed enough trousers! Firstly, to deal with all of the mosquitos who took any opportunity to get at my legs, but mainly to combat my arch summer nemesis that is “chub rub” #ifyouknowyouknow #thighsbestartingfiresoverhere.

Haggled for 15 minutes over 20p #becomesabouttheprinciple and each secured 2 pairs of trousers and a dress for a total of £4.50 #upyourgameprimark. Went home.happy trying to ignore the fact that all our clothes were made here and we are paying a 5000% mark.up literally everywhere at home.

Day 1 proper was a 6.30 start….Tour has well and truly begun! Gutted!!! Made it down for basic breakfast and minimal chit chat #wildparty #couplestalkaboutmortgagesanddinnerparties #wegotnothingtobringtothistable and headed onto our 4hr drive to Halong Bay. Penned as one of the highlights of the trip, we were looking forward to seeing just exactly what overnight stay on a “junk boat” means. Titanic continued on a loop at breakfast….just saying!

We met Mr minh, our tour guide for the trip. A real bonus above and beyond other tours I’ve done to have a person to look after the group and then knowledgeable local guides at each stop to give some info on the tour. He was a sweetheart we loved him. His chat was massively inappropriate and overtly sexual at times #vom but we excused him and put it down to language barrier #aintnochatlikeconcubinechat.

Arrived at the port, ready to set sail across Halong Bay and played our new favourite game….guess which shit boat is ours…The harbour was peppered with 4 story steam boats and yachts which would’ve put Phillip Greens to shame, and amidst all the glitz and glamour…the HMS about to fall apart came into view.

Comedy of errors boarding where we met the crew, and were offered a cool flannel (never ceases to amaze me how places think a wet towellete will hide the fact that their establishment is a shit hole!) and shown to our rooms. I say room…more like set from the Borrowers. But sweet enough and in the spirit of embracing adventure got on with it. Realised quickly though that a pirates life is not in fact for me….

A morning aboard mainly consisted of force feeding. We got sat with Hector and Nathalie for lunch who are just lovely but only speak Spanish. We played comedy game of charades whixh involved me making actual pig noises and pushing my nose to make a snout in order to describe what we were having for lunch. Learnt the Spanish for pig which I have immediately forgotten and ate in abject silence. Was actually quite nice though, food was good and felt civilised.

First stop in the afternoon was optional activity of Kayaking. The group had already left by the time I’d finished laughing contemplating us doing kayaking. Balance + water + sporting activity it was never gunna happen was it really. Stayed aboard and did what we are best at…having beer on a sun lounger and waited for the majority to return. #hahahahaha #meinakayak

First stop of for the whole group once water sports gang had returned was a hop off at one of the 1,969 islands that make up Halong Bay to scale the mountain there for some scenic views. Immediately obvious when we docked it was Tourist Trap central!!! Swarming with a near 50/50 combo of people with dreds “finding themselves” and elderly rich Americans in boat shoes clearly staying aboard the flashy chartered cruises.

We actually had to queue to get up the stairs to the viewing platform at the top!!! Unspoilt paradise this ain’t. Some lovelt views when you could battle your way through the selfie sticks and yells of “Gerry, honey doesn’t this remind you of that movie we saw”… #elderlyamericansaretheactualworst

Back to the boat for Evening meal and time zone, travel and consistent stodgy food starting to catch up with me. Tried to be polite but the smell of bbq oysters pushed me over the edge and I retired to our cabin instead of having dinner. Not before I’d watched the group try and swallow their oysters though. #comedygold Having had 3 different types of oyster in my lifetime (grilled in Tokyo, tempura in the Caribbean and lemon caper raw in London) I know that however and whatever you do to an oyster it is still rancid. If I could’ve bottled the comedy of travel companions tryna swallow them…id never need work again!!!! One girls was back in the shell almost instantly after she swallowed it and I really felt for the guy who decided to chew it #straightinthenapkin #bushtuckertrial #scaredforlife #juststicktotheprawnsmate

I was glad of the escape and a lie down, despite the bed being akin to a morturist slab and the motion like being on a shitty carny house of fun fairground ride!!! #canyousaymotionsickness #iwannagetoff. Enterainmentfor the rest of the gang was kareoke which thabks to paper thin floors and ceilings kept me awake til midnight. Kylie would’ve turned in her grave at some.of the renditions, which considering she isn’t actually dead is testament to the performances.

Day 2 was an optional totally not optional 5.30 start for Tai Chi wirh our guide Mr Minh. He was a master of his craft for over 30 years and despite the abject horror of the 5am alarm was actually a nice calming way to start the day. My balance was obviously appalling and near “man overboards” a bit too close for comfort on occasion but I tried.

Stop this morning was a visit to the famous Surprise caves where we discovered quickly that the surprise was that they were a bit crap. Mr Minh pointed out inappropriate rock formations Including this one he called happy monk who He insisted looked like a monk woth an erection…..he then proceeded to laugh and point his laser pointer at said erection for over 5 minutes. We all felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave.

The place was stuffed full of tourists again and not a patch on Carlsbad caverns in the US.

Afternoon was getting to know our tour group a bit better after interesting first impressions. Frida, our 75yr old Canadian companion has got an absolute arsenal of stories from tales of travels before. She recentlt sold her home and most of her belongings at 73 to travel and as is abundantly obvious was clearly minted before hand as she has zero worries about being able to afford these trips and casually mentions that her son’s are doctors or lawyers in Toronto. The best tales are stories about sharing rooms with people including guys on other trips “who were really really good guys if you know what I’m saying” and 35yrs younger…..!!! Think she’s kindve like a cougar who just travels to pray on men under 40. #prettysurethatsfrownedupon #whatsolderthanacougar #GILF

Survived life at sea and back for 1 final day back in Hanoi. We had free time to wander before our dreaded night train to Hue at 7pm. Had done some cultural bits pre tour so decided we had earned a nice massage to fix our backs and necks after pirate life!!! Extensive trip advisor research and settled on a back neck and shoulder 60 mins for a grand total of £12!!! Bargain.

Personal low was that is started with them washing our feet…clearly on the proviso that they smelt so foul they weren’t prepared to let us get on the table before doing do!!! #attractive #sweatytrainerlife and we were led upstairs. There was a room with 2 beds and a bath…really touch and go at first as to whether they were legit expecting us to have a full on bath before but we managed to dodge that and got ready for the main event.

It was all going well until around 10 minutes in where the masseurs proceeded to climb abord the tables, pull down our towels to literally expose our entire bare arses and mount us like donkeys at Blackpool beach!!!! Knees were in spines, full weight on our backs, moves I have never seen or heard of in modern massage but only read of in tales of medieval torture!!!! Every fibre of my being was trying not to laugh. It finished and we smiled politely before bursting into fits when they left. Not sure exactly what we’d survived and unsure if we’d been mildly sexually assaulted but glad it was over! Something tells me this might not be our only bizarre massage experience whilst here in Asia!

Picked up our belongings and left!!! Met the group and headed to the station for our vile night train down to our next stop, Hue. #vom #prayforus!

Flight to Hanoi peppered with more morons again!! Our seats were behind possiby the most obnoxious man I have ever had the misfortune to travel with. Brash, loud American in a baseball cap who I can only assume is travelling to Vietnam to purchase a wife on account of his hideous chat. Nearly gave himself an aneurysm laughing at his own shitty Trump joke. He was under 6ft, had bags of extra legroom but decided to recline his seat the entire way back from take off. Shut my eyes and tried to sleep knowing there is a special place in hell reserved for douchebags like that guy! #political #actualarsehole

Also met the most adorable lady who was on the aisle of our row. A great ambassador of Vietnam: friendly, chatty without being annoying and taught us all the great things we should see and most importantly eat once we arrive! As well as some language basics.

Terrifying airport drive! Again! Was honestly like being in 40 minutes of live Mario cart. They have no concept of lanes or even roads. One car just mounting the pavement with kids jumping out of the way to beat the traffic jam! Insane!

Hotel gutting…after joy of Shangri la. Didn’t smell like lemongrass and no-one to carry bags and bring us gin!!!! Heartbreaking. But this is travel life from now on, so we better get with the programme.

Room had no window…as is customary in Vietnam apparently but we had a special exec room which had one…this was the view….

Toilet didnt flush and half the lights didn’t work but we found the positives (…we had each other!?!).

Had a wander round the Old Town. You literally just have to step out into the road and hope for the best, traffic is vile here. Mopeds everywhere and no one had consideration for pedestrians…like at all!!!

Went to the night market. Way better than the hustle and bustle of Hong kong…ray bans for £2 clothes of every kind in every colour and a can of Tiger beer is 50p…same old tat but what’s not to love!

1 day to explore Hanoi then meeting the rest of our tour group tomorrow eve.

Breakfast was basic…… omelttes were a safe winner. Orange juice had distinct air of Jif bathroom cleaner about it and we spent a good 10 minutes looking for the champagne bar….doesnt seem to be one?! Strange. Hopefully just an oversight and order will be restored at the next place #backpacktroubles #hahabutseriously #problemofstartingwith5star

They played my heart will go on from titanic, the saxophone version on a loop. Encouraging that the soundtrack to the trip thus far is also one from an epic disaster movie. Let’s hope it’s not a sign of things to come.

Saturday was a visit to the Famous Hao Lo Prison or “Hanoi Hilton” prisoner of war camp where they held prisoners during the French occupation of Vietnam in 1858-1954 and also American pilots shot down in the Vietnam War.

Put our hotel in perspective so that was worth it. Really fascinating day out and good to see our first bit of real history since we’ve been here but propaganda doesn’t even cover it!!! Vietnamese entirely blameless and mercilessly persecuted…so truth probs somewhere to be found! Good nod for things to come from the rest of the tour.

Afternoon was nails to cheer ourselves up!!!! Decided luminous pink with tiny bananas was the best option, Liz went for classy floral pattern cos she’s not got the attention span of an ADHD toddler when it comes to shiny or funny things! #nevergrowup #bananasfoethewin.

We also met our first contestant for our new travel gameshow “well isn’t that a small world”. Bit 6 degrees of Kevin bacon but my sister’s boyfriends cousins best friend…still bizarre sure there will be more to come.

Today was the first evening with our tour group and after a couple of tinnies in our room to calm the nerves and cheers the start of the next chunk (oh and a nap cos we are old!), we braved if down to our “group meeting”.

Tour guide is, Jack who’s with us for the entire trip through to Bangkok. He is literally a dream and just the kind of person you need on a tour like this.

He’s from Cambodia and has already invited us to meet his family when we get to Siem Reap. Hes charming, funny and full of his own little classic one liners like “drinks for you? Coke, fanta, 7-up, 7-down”? (He’s done that one 3 times already so ask me again in a week if he’s still lols!…) He’s nicknamed us “The Sunshine Family”…! Spirit of adeventure and all that jazz Xx

SULA – adj. Acronym ‘sweaty upper lip alert’

“I left the hotel for precisely 4 seconds before suffering a SULA of epic proportions”

Term coined by one Miss Annabelle Porter-Rigg circa 2008, a SULA is the only way to describe the sweatybox that is Singapore.

If Hong Kong was a 2 showers kindve town, Singapore is a 4 a day vibe! Minimum. Oh man I forgot just how bad! Poor Liz may as well have spent the whole trip dragging round a bull mastiff!!! Sweating and sneezing thanks to germy cold probably from the plane (I’m looking at you Pippi Longstocking!!) is such an attractive look! #iamavailable #tellyoursinglefriends.

We persevered but was essentially just 4 days of playing our new favourite game “how far can you crawl up the road before you need to go into an air conditioned shop and pretend you are interested in items and not just there for the sweet sweet icy air” #catchytitle #itsaworkinprogress

Backpacker life proving tough as we checked into the 5 star Shangri La Singapore. First evening was spent having an icy cold gin and face masks with high end French skin care. #notsobackpackwankers but on account of the fact that I am my father’s daughter and refuse to pay full price for anything, got an insane deal on the hotel at £100 a night for us both including daily champagne breakfast / brunch. So….rude not to really.

We had our own apartment style room which was the dream, though barely in it as so much to do and see in Singapore

Breaky was legit insane. Dim sum, curry, pho station, any kind of egg you can imagine, fresh fruit bar, full.English, 10 types of cereals, full bakery with pastries, muffins, 15 types of bread, Bellini bar.

But i never really realised how much I have been doing breakfast wrong until I saw the cheese board (complete with Borsain Leanne Thomas!!!) and realised we really needed to up our game when we get home… #allofthecalories #cheesebuffetisthebestwaytostartanyday

This is also the place where we met one of the memorable characters of our trip so far, Mr Dean Bush, head chef and Asia’s answer to dell boy! Something so charming about his singaporean appearance and thick peckham wide boy mash up accent which we instantly felt at home with. He was a hero, kept us laughing, plyed us with inappropriate stories and golden one liners like “alright ladies, cor I’m sweating like a sodding dyslexic on countdown here today”. Made breakfast all the more entertaining #mealandashow #notaheroeswearcapes #someweargiantchefhats Cheers Dean! We miss you already!

Day 1 was a trip to the beautiful Botanic gardens and famed Orchid Garden. A peaceful, oasis amidst the high rise corporate headquarters, we had a perfect few hours wandering. And by “perfect” i actually mean hideously sweaty….had my mini fan (courtesy of Mama Thurlow, thanks Ma!) round my neck like an elderly American #allglamour #spotthetourist it did little to curb the 85% humidity but I tried.

We went in search of monkey face orchids but alas none at this time of year so wandered amongst the bonsai trees, spotted swans on the lake and channelled our inner Bear Grylls in the rainforest garden.

Evening was a visit to the epic Singapore Night Zoo. Readers may remember this was one of mine and my sister’s favourite things to do last time we were here in Singapore. Didn’t disappoint yet again. Just as terrifying as I remember. We had such a laugh. Liz on top form as always, marvelling at all the weird and wonderful creatures you’ve never heard of and coming out with gems such as:

“what is it? a big pig deer?”

and

“Oh look there’s it’s penis”

She’s been gold as a travel companion so far as expected and we have barely stopped laughing…apart from the times where we have been so sweaty we couldn’t see let alone crack the jokes. #imhopingtohavesweatoff2stone #allofthefrizzyhair

Got giant comedy fantas for literally no reason and wandered about laughing and also being scared of everything til about midnight.

Day 2 we decided to embrace full on tourist wanker-dom and board the hop on hop off bus. We have walked around 15-20km every day so far so decided our legs had earned the rest. Plus there is a real danger that i will return from this trip with thighs like Chris Hoy if I’m not careful so it was necessity really. #morehoylessbeyonce

Great way to see the sights (Cathy Moore is not wrong chef, it was great!!!) and get a free blowdry on top deck #whipmyhairbackanfforth. HAIR UPDATE I now have curly hair on account of hideous humidity…so far managing to resist the need for corn rows ala Monica from friends…but not sure how much longer for!!!

We hopped on and off (clues in the title…!) at Gardens by the Bay for a great morning wandering the super tree grove, flower dome and cloud forest.

Liz decide to brave the canopy tree top sky walk, terrified is an understatement. But yet again in true spirit of face your fears (not much choice as everything is Asia is 100 stories high) braved it all the way to the end, and judging by her “heavily clenched” walk managed not to shit herself. So that’s good! Hands down will come back cured.

Stopped for an ice cream at Maccy d’s #traditionalfoods #embracingtravel. Lots of people in front of me ordering a yellow ice cream so intrigued we asked what flavour it was “sweetcorn” said the woman behind the counter proudly….Actually laughed in her face. “Erm….i’ll just have plain then thanks.”

Because I always see the celebs, it was little surprise thar we bumped into everyone’s favourite Grammy and brit award winning star Sam Smith whilst getting Liz a hotdog (for being so brave!). He was a total arse. Really rude, really dismissive and really disappointingly knobbish. Decided to ham it up and tell him we loved his gig at Hammersmith Apollo (pre first album) just to make him feel bad. He looked embarrassed when realised I wasn’t just a celeb hunter #arse #realfan #notsureforhowmuchlonger. Let’s hope the other celebs to inevitably grace the travels will be nicer.

Ended the day with a chilled few beers at Clarke Quay and marvelled at our new favourote game (yeah…we have a lot of new favourite games ok!!) “Boyfriends as photographers” – basically involves Asian boyfriend contorting themselves or lying on the floor in compromising positions in order to get the perfect shot of their girlfriends for Instagram. It’s hilarious to observe from afar.

More hop on hop off bussing this time through China town little India and a wander through Arab Street. Harriet Moore has been an absolute hero with excellent suggestions of things to do and this was no exception. Thanks chef, was such a cool.part of town we never would have stumbled on if you handnt have mentioned.

Next stop was the iconic Raffles for the Famous Singapore Sling. Unfortunately the hotel itself was Closed for refurbishment, which is proving to be a depressing theme of the tour. But we were very lucky long bar only just opened again 2 weeks ago! Phew.

Had our 2 classic cocktails….$75 please…about £40……robbing bastards! The only time I spend upwards of £20 in a cocktail is if it’s 4am on a saturday night in Infernos (JK, I don’t go out anymore #tooold)

We did however enjoy eating our body weight in monkey nuts and throwing the shells on the floor as is tradition. Gunna give it a go at Wetherspoons in Bromley highstreet, see how we get on!

Went to see the Merlion fountain at the bay for a comedy snap and headed back to the hotel to get ready for dinner.

Been craving Singaporean national dish of Chill Crab since pretty much the time i finished the last mouthful 2 years ago so it was an absolute must. Headed to the award winning jumbo seafood at Dempsey Hill and it was heaving! A good sign..Only had a table on the veranda which they kept cool with giant fans. Was like eating in a wind tunnel!!! #whipmyhairbackandforth

Hardest meal ever to be graceful with. Covered in sauce (hence the bib) not an attractive date night dish that’s for sure!!! Liz got stuck in in the spirit of trying yet more new foods and loved it, will make a seafood covert of her yet!

Headed to Aura bar at the National Gallery to meet up with Anthony from uni who lives out here on Singapore. Still no idea what his job is….think it’s something to do with destroying the planet for monetary gain and propane and propane accessories.

Spoilt by him.with cocktails and the insane views over the city. Good to catch up and hear all the news. Cheers Leybag.

Final day was day of rest at the Shangri La pool #asjesuswouldhavewanted pretty certain there’s an old testament chapter about on the final day you must rest, get burnt by the pool and drink a lot of gin. #holidayflavour and evening we headed for Satays for dinner.

Final highlights of last evening was the phenomenal Garden Rhapsody at Gardens by the Bay Super Tree Grove….unbelievably mind blowing light show set to songs from the musicals. We bloody loved it!!

So much in fact we stayed another hour to see it again!!! Everyone lies down on the ground and watches it light up above you. It was magical. But soooo SWEATY. Unfortunately we were dressed to go “out out” after so other viewers basically got 2 shows for price of 1 thanks to us being in the shortest dresses ever and lying down #notagoodlook #shouldvethoughtthatthrough

Had a sweetcorn ice cream from Maccy d’s for the lols. It was rancid as anticipated. Literally just smelt and tasted like a tin of Green Giant….what is with all the messed up food combos!?! Regular ice cream is fine! Vegetable ice cream…not fine!!

Mama and Papa Anderton gave us some money to have a drink on top of the world at the Famous Marina Bay Sands hotel and thanks to Dean the chefs wheeling and dealing managed to get the best VIP table in the house, on the outside terrace at Lavo cocktail bar to enjoy them.

Raised a glass to Aunty Susan who we wished could’ve been there to join us, put the world to rights and marvelled at the view.

Singapore you’ve been a dream but it’s time for us to get back to reality for a bit ahead of our tour through Vietnam and Cambodia (don’t worry we will be back to the suite life when we get to Thailand!!!!). Can’t wait to meet the tour group and see what the next few weeks has in store. Will keep you posted xx