First full day in Hong Kong started well, sat down to breakfast chit chat and first thing Liz says: “Ah, I wish Bec was here” #harshreview #needtoworkonmymaterial! She was of course kidding….Bec would never have got up in time for breakfast!!!

Things improved by managing not to fall over with our bags today, unlike yesterday when we realised quickly if you drop anything wearing a 20kg travel wanker backpack, you’re never gunna see whatever it was again…Liz learned the hard way, bent down, straight on her arse. Helped her up…once I’d finished loling at her rolling and laughing like a little ladybird. They’ll make pro travellers of us yet!!!

Headed for the Famous Victoria Peak for scenic views over Hong Kong. Too foggy to see my hand in front of my face last time I was here and avid reader may remember I had to go with that awful girl from Burnley and her bolivian knitted poncho who kept vomming on stuff from my China trip so very glad to have a clear day (and less obnoxious companion!)

Had a shocker when half way up Liz admitted to crippling fear of heights. Perhaps not a great way to start the hol but she was a trooper. Gorgeous views and a frosty beer at the top…complete with tall dark handsome aussie bloke sharking….on Liz #anotherdayinbridgetjonesparadise

Also couldn’t miss an opportunity for comedy snaps at the “Peak experience” a (partially) free photo attraction where at the end then then tried to sell you “official prints” at £23 for a 6×4….you’re alright lads. We’ve got these…

Wandered back to the hotel after a brief potter in the Botnaic Gardens and some more prefuse sweating and headed back out for dinner.

Played everyone’s favourite game Dim Sum Roulette: The Hong Kong edition #justmadeitup #someonepatentitquick #dragonsden. Today’s dinner can be summed up simply as: Vile.

First lesson of the trip…Never accept the “Free soup”….

what is it?

*lady nods nicely*

Is it vegetable?

*ladies nods nicely*

I brave it first, Liz far more sensible.

“Oh I think its just tofu Liz….oh no wait, and a bit of tripe and fermented egg”…

Think back to that time Kim from Kim & Aggy The Supercleaners did a bushtuckertrial and you’re close. (Best way yo spend an eve if you haven’t youtubed that badboy…. https://youtu.be/G05C5b9VrSI )

Evening’s entertainment was long ass walk to The avenue of Stars for world famous light show over Hong Kong bay from Kowloon…which after navigating metro exits MORE complicated than Old Street…get there only to find the viewing platform is closed for refurbishment. Obvs!!!! So we precariously balance of edge of ledge to catch half view of the show. Verdict: 2/10 – better visual display at local primary school fireworks but the skyline is so impressive in itself it was worth the trek.

Day 2 more crippling heights (Liz basically just on a constant live episode of Fear factor) this time to Lantau Island to see the Famous “Big Buddha” via scenic cable car ride.

In hindsight glass bottom cable car probs not best idea (Liz: “oh my god…oh my god…is it swaying, oh my god, I wanna get off” #toolatenow!)

We made it and had a great day seeing the Buddha and the Po Lin monastery.

Headed back to mainland for dinner and the second edition of dim sum roulette… Tim ho wan. Michelin starred so expected big things. Was yum. Pork buns were off the chain. Other items still leaving much to be desired….pork liver wrapped in slivery rice roll. Oooh bit full thanks…

Cultural visit for our last day…which began in the culturally traditional way of going to H&M for earrings and leggings! Also a wander through The Ladies Market at Mong Kok.

Got the famed Star Ferry for another slice of that dreamy skyline over to Kowloon

Markets were mental. All the stall holder addressed me by my full name of “lady lady for you lady, fake bag you like lady” which only my mother calls me… But otherwise full of usual tat. Spent most of the time looking for a replacement Casio for my REAL GOLD one I bought in China for £2 which unbelievably the gold has come off of?!?!? #robbed and marvelled at other Brits getting screwed over #shouldvegonetoDisney at least they are upfront about mercilessly ripping you off! #happiestplaceonearth #onlyatinybitheartbroken

Wandered about some more but “hanger” was full on setting in by around 4.30 ish. Decided we needed sugar before we punched someone…or each other… had eaten half an apple and a bowl of cornflakes then walked 10km in 30 degrees. Excellent adulting. So swerved into shopping mall and found the golden arches of joy. Had an ice cream and a fat coke. Order was restored.

Penaltimate stop was the Shangri La for a wander and to tell Liz’s dad how much it has changed since his last visit to Hong Kong in the 90s #highroller #itwassooooswanky

Indulged in my favourite past time in 5 star hotels… “what is the free handcream in the toilets like”.

Tried to crash a kids bday party in the Grand Ballroom (#ChampagnePappis) but did NOT blend in….shame as we’d have been a hoot at a 1 yr olds bday!

Went to the pool for a bit had some free drinks, wandered round looking out of place and being judged cos we were in trainers. SCREW you guys!!!! We are Shangri la to the core from tomorrow .. legit guests!!! Pft.

Lovely end to the eve, courtesy of “Tips from Tibbs” (beloved Toby and Guy passing on all his HK things to do before we left, thanks you dreamboats!) Drinks at the highest bar in Asia! Ozone Bar at 118th floor of the Ritz Carlton hotel.

Dreamy cocktails and dreamier views. Literally looked up and down by the woman on reception when we walked in…but made it in before the 9pm “dress code” so another win for us!!!

Dim sum roulette final round was yum and featured comedy custard buns with pig faces which we scoffed and agreed was fitting they didn t have pig in them. It’s the simple things. Nearly ended up eating entrails and gizzards at the place next door before we realised we’d gone to wrong one. Stuffed fish balls in salty milkporridge you say? Ohhh not for us thanks bit full….#closeshave

Ridic journey home from Kowloon, 10 mins in a taxi only to be refused service 3 separate times. Turns out “don’t go saaaarf of the river this time of night love” is international. Long old wander to the metro and an hour later we rolled into the hotel.

Went to bed at 2am…promptly awoken by an IDIOT at 7am smoking their e-cigarette and setting the fire alarm off!!! There is no fear like the following 2 things….

1) getting your head or hand caught in something and

2) the sound of a fire alarm in a foreign language.

Instantly regretting “can we have a room on a high floor for the views request”!!! Prospect of stairs from the 21st floor was a pretty certain crispy death had there have been an actual fire, given that out legs barely work after 3 days walking. We will however have buns of steel. #KimKyouwhatyeah #junkintheproverbialtrunk

It’s been a blast HK, but unbelievably leg 2 is calling already and we are off to Singapore this evening and I for one can’t wait to spend most of the time eating Chilli Crab…been dreaming about that badboy for 2 years #notevenjoking #mydreamsarebasic.

The adventure continues xx

Thought it best to get to Heathrow early on account of my beloved parents checking us into the swanky lounge pre flight as a treat (love you mama and papa T!)… So arrived 5hrs early to make the most #allofthegin #freeflavouristhebestflavour

Prepped for a full on charm offensive at check in, go get that upgrade guuuuuurl. Weighed up the usual suspects:

1) Older lady at desk 1, clearly an experienced veteran but a 50/50…could be hideous stern matron could be friendly loveable, nanny type. Risky…

2) Next was the work experience kid complete with comb over and accompanying supervisor, no thanks.

But last, was Sergio. Super smiley charming Italian stallion and our best bet. Got lucky and called forward. Immediately apparent we’d had a shocker, when despite his gushing flirting over our “beautiful passport photos” (#wewilltakeit #available #tellyoursinglefriends!) casually dropped in he was on his second warning for lateness (despite it being his 4th week with BA…) after being 2hrs late for his shift this morning..bloody hell Serg mate, you’re of no use to us with your zero jurisdiction to upgrade us to first class!!!! #wasteoftime

Ate our body weight in cheese, full blown dinner and gin through an IV at the lounge to drown our economy seat sorrows and prep for 11hrs in the sky.

Flight surprisingly fine, touch and go at the gate after I nearly committed a murder…woman next to us coughed almost constantly for 20 minutes. Oh so British lengthly glares and tutting not even enough by the end. Her husband looked at me forlorn as if to say it was too late for him but save ourselves.

Had 3 seats between 2 of us so was a result. Tried to sleep upright with varying success mainly thabks to actual ARSEHOLE woman who opened her blind and kept the entire back of the plane awake. Just went over to her and told her to close it like a head teacher at the back of a school bus trip in the end! Never ceases to amaze how unobservant some people are when 30 sets of eyes are burning into the back of your stupid fat, pippy longstocking head!!!! Wasnt even a good look for the 80s cartoon love….

Stark reminder that the very worst thing about flying is literally other people!!!! Ridonk!!!!

Misjudged the time left to landing and started high octane, Liam Neeson train thriller ‘The Commuter’ only to see 1hr 35 mins, get to the point where he LITERALLY says the line “tell me what you know” (all about to be revealed, who is the culprit, will they survive? Will he be a free man or a murderer) only to have the captain come over the tannoy and announce we had landed!!!! Well pissed off….still at least I’ve only gotta wait 6 and a HALF weeks to see the bloody end on the next BA flight!!!! Bastards!

Left the airport In no time, but took 3 HOURS to get the 2 miles to the hotel. 45 mins to get out the sodding car park!! Made it to the hotel which is lovely, and most importantly right in the middle of a 7Eleven, Subway and a Maccyds the holy traveller trinity if you will. You know for when we get bored of chicken foot…which I’ve got a sneaky suspicion is going to be early on!

Ventured further afield for local delicacy dinner….unfortunately this place was closed:

Gutted. Will keep looking…xx

Retuuuuurn of the blog, once again! Return of the Blog, my GAWD…!

(But enough of your seamless blending of 90s pop culture reference Mark Morrison, I hear you shout) Let’s get on with it!

It’s back!

And by back I mean I have legit still been paying for this dotcom since 2015 (fail!) So thought it was about time to “give the people what they want” #forthefans #selfless #imnicelikethat

2018 travels begin in just daaaays (where did that time go?! I’ve got so much shit to do!)

BUT in exciting news, have got a whole lot more glamorous as I now have a super hot partner in crime with me the whole way!

You’ll learn more about lovely Liz as the trip goes on…but for now, know this: she’s a mega babe, we go way back almost 20 years and she’s so fit people on the beach will probably assume she’s my personal trainer so we’ve got lot a to look forward to there… #whoateallthecarbs #butseriouslyimgutted

Second round of life crisis is the Asia Edition. And we are proudly going full on “gap yah wanker” with the route this time:

Hong Kong

Singapore

Vietnam

Cambodia

Thailand

“The Islands” – Koh Lanta and Krabi

Vetoed Koh Samui, Phangan and Tao on account of being “too old for that shit” and also cos we didn’t wanna get eaten by a crocodile, Pauline and Aunty Susan would have a fit!!! #truecrocodilestorylads #cantmakethisshitup

So the adventure very nearly begins. Just the small question of packing, (lols you know by that I mean I’ve already done 3 trial packs and it’s just waiting in the corner to come to the airport!) finalising last bits and finding a bureux de change who have heard of “Vietnam” (shout out to the staff at M&S Moorgate for that one!!!!)

So all that remains to say for now is thanks for indulging the ramblings once more, do check in on our adventures from time to time and if you could be sweethearts and just ignore the fact that the title no longer makes any sense unless I now live to be 120….that would be great!

2 days and counting xx