All good quarter life crises wouldn’t be complete with the great British institution of festivaling! So in a bid to pretend I’m still 19 and can party until 3am for 5 days, I will be leaving the comfort and luxury of my lovely home to embrace life under a small piece of plastic tarpaulin at the festival to end all festivals…Glastonbury!!!

As anyone who has used social media or looked outside their window in the last few days will have realised, it’s going to be an absolute bloody wash out. Mud bath doesn’t even seem to be covering it. Today I have read articles warning me against how to not catch hypothermia and watched a video that looked as if glasto has introduced an outdoor pool where the campsites used to be. With over a foot of water currently sitting in our pitch spot, all the time I spent worrying about the most sensible choice of glitter facepaint seems pretty futile!

Boho festival fashion is also slowly falling at the waistside as I raise legitimate points to fellow festival goers in our whatsapp group about the potential merits of just wearing waders for 5 days!!!

All topped off by earlier’s personal highlight Googling “what to do if you get trench foot”!?!

Idriss Elba has pulled out and so I have missed yet another opportunity to snare him as my future husband (literally the only thing holding me back…) I now own an industrial vat of wetwipes in place of showering and thanks to my delightful sister, need to master using a She-wee before Thursday (always the best gifts from you Claire!).

But in spite of ALL the literal horrors…I am reminding the stubborn woman in me of all the sweat, tears and hours at 8am on a sunday it took back in 2015 to get us those tickets and how I’ll be bloody damned if we let a little rain and mud ruin it!

Yes, I will have to endure some of the worst trials known to man: traversing 2 miles of muddy terrain with 20kgs of luggage, pitching a tent on a pond when I’ve never pitched a tent in my life and worst of all the prospect of 4 days of having wet legs (the worst feeling of all time).

BUT I have great friends as company, there are some bloody awesome bands to experience and if all else fails I’m taking 2 litres of gin and a wine box!!!

 

Pray for me…do some rain dances and I’ll be sure to find some humorous stories amidst the carnage to tell upon return. If I don’t get stuck in the mud!

Xx

Week two of unemployment has proved to be  an interesting one. Turns out if you have spent the last 3 months doing exciting things like scaling mountains, visiting new cities and jumping out of planes, regular life gets really monotonous really fast! Who would’ve thought it eh!!

After the Tinder washout (that was never a good plan, bored or not!) I have decided to turn my hand to something much more long term, something far more important in terms of my future….making a MASSIVE photo book of all of my holiday pics!!!! yaaaaay! #betterthanwork! After being creator of 5 scrapbooks in my lifetime I swore I would never again revisit it…whilst beautiful in theory the pain staking cutting and sticking have genuinely been some of the lowest points of my entire life. I had nightmares about drowning in PVA for about 6 months after the last one. But this is what the desperate unemployed search for distraction will turn you to!! So far I have got as far as Australia…and no, it is no coincidence that this is also where I started! Someone save me from this coloured card and sequined prison!!!!!!!

The horrors of scrapbooking aside, it has been great procrastination from the worse fate of my bank balance. Oh man is that a shocker!! Turns out you do actually need to get a job eventually. So that care free traveller catchphrase was bullshit!! More important than the self satisfaction of gainful employment, my social plans starting to suffer! I am now faced with heartbreaking decisions like G&Ts with the girls or transport to a potential job interview…and we all know what a sad sad day it is when you know you can’t choose gin. Wonder how long I can get away with excuses for missing social events like “i’m so sorry, I’ve got to take my cat to the vets, she’s really sick” before people realise she died 5 years ago!?! Man I need a job!

Current career plans are mainly being a person that enters hundred of competitions until someone advertises my dream job – Personal Assistant to Take That. Pretty sure it’s going to crop up any day now, but for the time being that’s something to keep me busy. Given my bizarre 100% record for winning every Facebook competition I’ve ever entered, it was unsurprising to find that I was the chosen recipient of an evening of free cocktails at a new bar in Kentish Town. It also helps significantly that my favourite person to drink them with is also a pun-master extraordinaire. Not just a pretty face but also a genius, she came up with this phenomenal entry for the competition to create a topical sign to appear outside the bar for the week!

We headed down there for what actually turned out to be a shambolic evening on Tuesday. The pub which goes by the witty name of ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ opposite the O2 forum is housed in a former public toilet. Unfortunately…that was quite evident once you got down the stairs. Definite air of stale cleaning products about the place, not what I immediately look for in a classy drinking establishment. After being kept waiting outside for 15 minutes whilst the disillusioned bar manager “tidied up”(?!?!?) we chose a couple of drinks off the extensive and very strange menu. Verdict was – they were rancid! Persevered to justify the fact that Kentish Town was actually bloody miles away from where we would usually hang out, made our excuses “I’m sorry we have to go, because this place is awful”…and left! Evening saved by yummy dinner and great company as always!

The only other social activities I have managed to squish in amidst freebies and the dreaded job hunt have been peppered with my latest life crisis issue which seems to have followed me home from holiday…only being approached on nights out by married men! Whilst this was a point of hilarity for my Trek family as it seemed to happen on a daily basis in America (?!?!) I seem to still have freak magnets in my pockets here at home. 3 so far….this week!!!! One bloke actually asked me for a drink and said “not local though eh….you know…the wife…” and pointed to his wedding ring!…..what vibe am I giving off here? seriously? So gross!! Who is going to go for that in their right mind…literally ever?! So I’m not really sure how I get that to go away? Helpful answers (and eligible SINGLE friends) on a postcard please!

So thanks to poverty and the certain promise of adulterers, instead of Wednesday nights out I am now a hermit and do things like dance around the kitchen to jazz in my high heels with a glass of Chardonnay and bake cakes…because that’s the same as being out having fun with friends right? Yep thought so!!

Right, my peach melba cake is nearly ready and after that I’m off to master LinkedIn. Step 1…try and find a picture that says more “hardworking, smart and savvy colleague” whilst trying to disguise the fact I apparently have a face that says “homewrecker”!! Wish me luck!! Xx