Wednesday marked a low point in the holiday blues…had already binge watched all 15 episodes of Greys Anatomy I had hoarded on the +box whilst I’ve been away, my bank balance is still the wrong side of “going out out” and jet lag is proving to be a cruel and persistent mistress. This coupled with a glassy eyed trawl through my holiday snaps sent me down the dark and dismal one way street to Tinderland

After some hearty *cough* patronising “encouragment” (/ badgering) from various contributors to my life about needing to “get out there and meet a man now I’m home”(…erm,why?), I had largely decided to shun the dating world in favour of being eaten alive by a hoard of cats. Surely a simpler response to “Not met a nice man yet then”, “Oh STILL single are you”, “don’t need a +1 for the wedding I take it” is just looking someone dead in the eye and saying “But cats will always love me” and holding their gaze until they are too uncomfortable to ask follow up questions!

But we all know that the shallow allure of Tinder is just too much on the unemployed days where your calorie count app has basically told you you’ll be diabetic by tomorrow if you eat as much chocolate as you have today, you’ve not changed out of pjs and it’s 4pm and all you have to show for the days achievements are an array of snapchats!

And so like a moth to a catalogue of men based flame, I opened the app! Within 30 seconds, perfectly apparent as to why I hadn’t been on there since last summer. 80% of the people in my local area look like a bloke in the background of TOWIE (not even the foreground…) The rest believe the key to a woman’s heart lies in shirtless Tinder selfies. Yes, I’m aware I am the first person ever to use the words “heart” and “Tinder” in the same sentence.

First candidate’s opening gambit was this:

Hi Kerry, knock knock….

my response: “my name is Emma, wrong house” garnered no reply!

Second bloke advertised himself as a published author and fell down by pasting the link to his amazon page under his picture. The enammeringly titled: “how to be a modern day viking” had received some phenomenal reviews, I’ve included just a handful of my favourites below…

 

The best seemed relatively nice, North Londoner, charming, debonair and polite. Chatted for a bit over a couple of day before he told me how he’d been spending a lot of time thinking about what our children might look like (including a paragraph on details like how they’d have green eyes in summer, brown in the winter apparently!!)

He then sent me 10 seperate messages over the course of 2hrs despite me not sending a single reply. One of the charming latter of which just said “oi…..” followed by “laters then, nice to meet you I suppose” (we haven’t met!) as I hadn’t immediately responded. I decided the most mature and grown up response was this meme of Ron Burgundy….

….no reply!?! Can’t possibly think why?!

“Real life” little better. After being asked by a delightful gentleman to “Wey get em out” on my walk to the station, I have concluded romance is dead.

In short, first venture back into the world of dating post hols, not a resounding success I’m not going to lie…but on a positive note it did affirm all my previous thoughts about Tinder as an online recreation of the worst bar you’ve ever been to!…except one where it’s ok to physically bat people away, so at least one plus!

Single independent life continues and after that, turns out if that’s what I could’ve won, I couldn’t be more fine with it after all!

3 months, 6 countries, 14 US states, 1 million 115,526 steps (pedometer never lies!) and an eye watering amount of cash later, I am home! 

And man have I seen some and done some amazing things: 

Watched the sunset over the Grand Canyon, sung along to shows on Broadway, trekked to the peak of the Great wall of China, been walking in Memphis, Jumped out of a plane in Melbourne, spent magical days as Disney, met the pandas in Chengdu, stood in Elvis’ shoes at Sun Studios, watched fireworks at the Sydney Opera House….to name but a very special few!!

I’ve eaten some insanely good food, Singaporean chilli crab, Beignets in New Orleans and Pastrami on Rye at Katz Deli…I still dream of you all!

But most of all:

I have met some amazing people along the way and it wouldn’t have been half the fun without you. Bring on the self indulgent thank yous I hear you say? oh sure why not…

My first and one and only Miss Warburton  (“you know…like the bread”) Friends at first sight. You know how amazing you are. I miss you every day.

Griffiths – what a treat to spend a week in the sunshine with you, London isn’t the same without you and we miss and love you more than you know! Lets just stop this Sydney malarkey and come home now please. thanks! haha

Ridley, you lovely surprise you! thanks for keeping me calm all the way, and for making us the perfect beach walk team!

Toddy & Mike – you boys were a dream! Especially Mike…Toddy I still haven’t forgiven you for not warning me how handsome!  Couldn’t have asked for a better week living the Penthouse life!

Mr & Mrs Thomas thanks for hosting me a Chez Newlywed for an awesome week in Melbourne. So great to catch up. Special love for you Rach- thanks for making sure I didn’t die on that skydive mate!

Debs (& Shane!) So so great to be reunited after so long, so glad you’re so happy in Melbs and life is treating you so well!

Steve for showing me the very best sights of Melbourne and for being great company to drink ALL the wine! St Kilda certainly beats Staines! I’ll return the favour when you’re back in few months…

You all made Oz the perfect way to start my travels. Thanks for taking such good care of me and spoiling me with all the lovely things there are on offer. Shame you’re all a casual 10,000 miles away!

Chef, the trip would not have been the same without a perfect wedge of 10 days back in March, not only would I have been Billy no mates i’d have missed my favourite far too much to make it to the end of the trip! You’re the perfect travel companion, thanks for all the ‘chefs on tour’ love and laughs!

Same goes for bonus chef, Harriet, it was the perfect way to spend a day in Singapore, plus I wouldn’t have survived the trip without Dr Moore’s medical advice of “a coke with every meal”… burn those germs with the sugary poison!

Annick, the best roomie I could’ve hoped for you absolute gem. Along with Sophie and Frances for all keeping me laughing, stopping me crying some days when the horrors of China were just to much and for being on team let’s not vom on stuff. You ladies are amazing.

Mr Kerr for saving my trip and spoiling me rotten in Shanghai, you salvaged it all and sent me on my way with fond memories of China. It was great to see you after so long!

To my Trek family, you’re heroes the lot of you! If only for putting up with my hiccups, my constant falling over, my shocking singalongs in the van and the way I say “George”!

Shona, Leanne, Clare, Meg, Millie, Luke, Tom, Lisa, Alex, Jess, Kristy & Greg…..You were a dream and I couldn’t have found better people to spend the final month with! Driving anywhere isn’t the same without you right now!

Extra special nudge to my darling Leanne, the blue haired beauty, my partner in obscure 90’s comedy crime, you are the “one” lovely lady and Disney was the icing on an already pretty marvellous cake!

Lastly Mama and Papa T for having the faith that I would not die or be sold into human trafficking and supporting me in yet another “I think i’m just going to quit my job and start again” fiasco! And for continuing to religiously read the blog despite the disproportionate amount of times I use the word “wanker”.

Well, what a phenomenal journey (it was an actual journey so I can say that, not in the proverbial sense that those wankers off the X Factor always do…there I go again!!) But turns out, not much happens when you’re away after all! So if I’ve learnt anything from the last three glorious months, it’s say yes to things you want to do, stop worrying everything will be fine and don’t miss the opportunity to travel whilst you are able…because crap work will still be there when you get home anyway!!

…or not as the case may be for Quitty Mcquitterson over here! Think I’ve earnt the a few days putting my weary feet up before I think about that though eh. Here’s to you holiday blues, may you and lovely lady jet lag be kind!!!

Xx

Last and final stop on the tour and my three months of adventure was the City of Angles, Los Angeles.

Previous visitors had all warned me the place was a complete shit hole and I’m sorry to say they are not wrong. Glitz and glamour it ain’t….Hollywood sheen not so much and American dreams only seem to come true here if they were dirty and downtrodden to start with!!

Thanks to bizarre Trek America logic where one person had booked an early flight so all 13 of us had to go back to the hotel early instead of just letting her make her own way to the airport…we had a grand total of 1hr 20 minutes to explore downtown Hollywood.

The delights of the Rodeo Drive, Sunset Boulevard, Stars homes tours and the Hollywood Bowl remain a mystery. So I basically just rinsed Hollywood Blvd and the Walk of Fame hence the unadventurous array of snaps

Exciting to see all the stars lining the streets and play the find your favourite game

Most painful fact about such a whistle stop visit was that Ryan Gosling was premiering his new film at Man’s Chinese Theatre and was pretty much the best shot I’dve had at making him realise he’s made a terrible mistake marrying Eva Mendes. They tore me away kicking and screaming. He was arriving in an hour #heartbroken

We managed a sneaky stop at Hollywood Park for an epic view of the iconic sign before we left though. We all had a final family snap before heading on to the last hotel for our bon voyage. Wished my 3 week family the very best for onward adventures and all did the thing where we pretend we’d visit each other / all book on another trip for the same time next year.  They’ve been proper gems to have as company and I really got seriously lucky with that lovely lot this time…and no vomiters to be seen! yay!!

Lucky for me I still had 3 days of fun with lovely Leanne, as we were headed to our West Coast highlight, Disneyland California. Those who know me will know there is no better way for me to end 3 months of travel than some time on roller coasters and hanging out with everyone’s favourite mouse

It also marked the last and final of 5 worldwide wide Disney parks I have visited. I commemorated it with lunch at Earl of Sandwich and a new set of super sparkly Minnie ears in absence of marching band to greet me as I came through the turnstiles! (yes I know Shanghai has decided it’s delayed opening will be in 6 weeks…no I don’t want to talk about it…bastards!!!)

What a bloomin’ marvelous couple of Disney fueled days we had. Great to find a friend with a like minded approach to completely smashing the park in most efficient possible way…

We got on everything, twice pretty much and reveled in pretending to be 5 years old all over again

Icing on the cake was the epic nighttime water show, World of Colour, which told the story of Walt Disney’s original vision for the park and the history of how it all started with a mouse. Narrated by Neil Patrick Harris, Mickey and Walt himself and peppered with hideously cheesy Disney classics. I’m sorry to say I lost it at the end, balled my eyes out with happiness as I realised what a phenomenal 3 months had come before me and just how lucky I’d been to have had such a great adventure #travelwanker #cringe #dontevencare!

But first, just the small matter of a 10hr flight across the world before I can put my feet up…London, I’m on my way!!! Xx

San…..Diaaaaaaago. Which we all know in Spanish means a whales vagina (*if you have not seen Anchorman, I no longer want to be your friend).

Didn’t disappoint. Says a lot about some of the stops on the trip when we are all delighted to get out for the van and be in a clean city that doesn’t feel unsafe!!! Some of the best experiences on the trip have been the grimiest stops, but we were all glad to arrived in the cute Gaslamp district with its community feel and lack of signs about remembering not to bring your rifle to school!!!

Checked in to the hostel which was crapola but our own rooms without randoms so a relief. My turn on bottom bunk after a frank discussion where others seemed to remember things differently…always stand your ground when it comes to having to climb tiny ladders to get into bed!!

Had a “family dinner” with the whole gang at a really cool bar / restaurant. I also saw the most attractive man I have ever seen in real life at the bar. I have no idea what I ordered or ate he was that mesmerising, unfortuantely he left before I could propose #heartbroken.

We went to Ghiradellis ice cream parlour for giant sundaes to share between 5 as consolation prize

Monday was a trip to the world famous San Diego zoo. As zoos go, it’s pretty on point as the zoo to end all zoos, the place is enormous, really good layout and loads of animals to see

Had lots of fun with the rest of the group once we’d reminded some of the gang that we were here for a fun day out and not a bloody reconnaissance mission!!! No we do not need a regimented plan, or a timed itinerary we just want to spend the day eating candy floss, taking silly pictures and being big kids…well some nearly are still kids so just me reliving my youth I think!

Afternoon was free to wander the streets so we headed down to the bay and had a nice local craft beer by the Marina (just for you Duncs) and watched the world go by. Great to have a chilled wander in the sunshine and really feel as if we’d taken in some of the city, a hard ask when we’ve moved so frequently over the past few days.

 

Bon voyage team last night dinner was at the Cheesecake factory and was nice to have everyone there, except for Lisa who bailed in favour of a hot date, and we reminisced about highlights of an epic tour. We have come a long old way and tomorrow marks our last stop and final destination for little ol’ me…Los Angeles here we come. Xx

Left the Grand Canyon and drove the infamous Route 66 down to Vegas. Stopped off in a tiny town entirely dedicated to tourist visitors as Route 66 no longer really serves as a main road West. Took array of tacky pics and went to grab the greatest ice cream of all time at the Snow Cap, a hilarious little Shack run by the American equivalent of my dad. Endless puns and “dad” jokes whilst we ordered, “one hot fudge sundae please…..sure madam, male or female? I’m sorry? Nuts or no nuts?!”……can I have a spoon please, *hands me half a spoon* erm do you have a whole. one please…..sure:

Continued the journey and arrived in Vegas after another long ol’ drive. Anticipation was building in the van as to what adventures would unfold.

Drove down the strip to marvel at the hotels, the shops and all the people blind drunk at 2 o’clock in the afternoon!!! My kindve town!

Unfortunately the glamour of the trek meant we were staying in Old town Vegas, down at Freeman Street aka, bloody miles away from everything. Really bizarre considering how many hotels there are on the strip and how reasonable they are. Granted my choice would’ve been a suite at the Venetian, but we could’ve managed a compromise I’m sure!! All the more reason to come back I guess.

We stopped off at our rooms via some time at the casino and had time to chill before dinner and our party bus down the strip. Dinner was an amazing meal at an Hibachi grill, never been to one before and didn’t disappoint. King scallops and real life vegetables (something I’ve not seen much of in the US!) Nice glass of chilled Californian chardonnay and a man setting things of fire are always good components of a meal out! So very Vegas.

Had a big girly getting ready sesh accompanied by some well earned G&Ts and our “out out” playlist before meeting the others for drinking games pre party bus. In hindsight this might have been the point things started to go wrong! Party bus was actual carnage. Too much gin and dancing in a moving vehicle is not a good combo!

Stopped by the sign for poorly lit tacky pics and all back on board for more red cups en route back to the Bellagio. All hopped out to see the iconic water fountain show and some silly dancing!

Jordan had wangled us in to Hyde, the  boutique club at the Bellagio. If idve chosen I would’ve been on Friday night at Omnia to see Calvin Harris, is true Vegas style, girls were $100 cheaper than blokes at a giveaway £25 a ticket,  unbelievably only a couple seemed interested (snore!!!) so we all headed to Hyde instead. Turns out by boutique they mean “tiny and full of exclusive VIP wankers”. Lucky for me I’d already drunk all of the gin in Vegas so didn’t care or notice too much. Half the group left at midnight  (!?!?!) so there were half of the hard-core ones left enjoying the music!

I had somehow been engratiated into VIP without really noticing and lost the others so just made new best friends to hang out with, most notably one half of 80s heartthrob brother duo Bros; Mr Matt Goss. He has a show at Ceasers here in Vegas and was a top bloke. He kept telling me I had a “wonderful aura about me” which was pretty weird, but assides from that him and his friends were great company and we had a fun night dancing into the early hours
Consequence of previous nights actions was an entire day feeling like death! It was our opportunity of a free day to explore and I decided to veto a chilled one at the hotel in favour of wandering the strip and soaking up some more sin city scenery.  Days on my larry have been very few and far between these past 3 months and though Vegas doesn’t lend itself to a lonesome wander I had an awesome day. Shopping, sights, great food, being a high roller spending $10 whole on the slots (won $8 so just played it again as I was bored, lost it, house always wins!). Trying convince group to come and witness one of the famous shows in Vegas was again like blood out of a stone so decided I’d treat myself and top off my day on my own with a ticket to see the one and only Mr Lionel Richie!

One of the few classics left on the list I haven’t seen live, which given what a shocker 2016 has been for musicians dropping like flies, important I got in whilst I had the chance. The show was a greatest hits, and it was banger after banger. We were on our feet for nearly the whole thing dancing away with new friends I’d made celebrating a 50th alongside me. He’s an awesome performer, flawless vocals and for a 60 year old guy, damn has he still got the moves. What a hero.

Perfect way to cap off a great but full on couple of days here in Vegas and has certainly left me wanting to return with my girls as soon  as we can! We’d do things in serious style, 2017, who’s in?! Xx

Tuesday saw our visit into the wilderness continue with a drive across the state border and into Arizona. Main aim was to explore the Navajo lands of Monument Valley, made famous by nearly every western ever made.

We stopped off en route to see the spot where Forrest Gump decided to stop running, marked by a cool little sign. Amazing how that film has captured American imagination so much that an entirely fictional charachter would be recognised like that. Right on professional queue, Jordan (our guide) whipped out a “box of chocolates” no checking which was which “you never know what you’re gunna get”

We’d been robbed at daylight by the Navajos and paid £70 each to do the Jeep tour of the valley. John was our guide and an absolute hero, very knowledgeable and provided a great tour of the sweeping dunes of the valley. Stopped to get an array of snaps and marvelled at the ancient practices and traditions of the Navajo people. He asked if we wanted to hear a song. I was cracking up as it was just like that scene in anchorman…I’m not ready….then pulls a jazz flute straight out the sleeve!!! He played us some traditional.music and we boarded the Jeep to have an outdoor bbq dinner whilst watching the sunset set over the valley

Post dinner entertainment was traditional dancing…some of us in the audience got dragged up to participate in a local tradition and be paired with male Warriors aka some of the lads from other trips. I got matched with Paul, who unbelievably lived 2 roads down from me at home. Casually meeting for the first time in the Navajo desert and bonding about all the delights brommers has to offer. He was a top bloke until he asked me how old I was and actually physically winced when I said 26!!!….he’s off to Uni in September. Bloody fresher!!!

Was great to be so far from the city and out in nature. The stars blew my mind. In a town where light pollution is a killer, I have never seen anything like it. they went on for miles. phenomenal I was mesmerised..whilst the sand whipped me in the face and my ears froze on the bus!!!!!

Next stop was 2 days to chill at the Grand Canyon. Having been lucky enough to visit before on another fabulous holiday courtesy of Mama and Papa Thurlow back in 2007, I have seen the canyon in the best way, by Helicopter and a few of the group spent the afternoon on the same trip. Those of us left had a long rest by the pool, drinking beer in the hot tub and loving the sunshine

We all caught up around 6 and headed into the Canyon park for a pizza picnic and to watch the sunset. It was beautiful. Some phenomenal views and really peaceful way to spend the evening

Early start on Thursday for exploring the canyon. Forecast said 102 so the sensible ones in the group decide against a sweltering hike into the canyon and stuck to a walk from rim to rim. 10 miles or so still pretty punishing in the midday heat but lots of fun.

We also took advantage of some of the free walks and talks the rangers in the park offer. Went in search of fossils in the morning and to learn all about Condors after lunch. Just us girls and the over 60s! There’s really something about getting a group of retired Americans together that seems to attract a plethora of terrible shout out jokes and retarded questions. “Ranger: Condors can live to 50 years of age”…5 seconds later…”Idiot woman: I have a question, how long do Condors live”..he’s literally just said that you lobotimised douchebag! We cringed a lot and didn’t even get to see any Condors. Will check them out at San Diego zoo instead

That evening was also Cinco De Mayo, a traditional Mexican festival celebrated across America. What better way to mark it than with, you guessed it, MORE sodding Mexican food!!!!! If I never see another nacho / fajita / enchilada in my entire lifetime it will be too soon!

All that walking and time being “at one with nature” wankers left us refreshed and healthy ahead of wasting literally all that hard work with the upcoming 2 days in Vegas baby! Did someone say yards of margarita?? Xx

Todays journey took us from our motel…praise the lord! And thats all that really mattered! It was a dive. When there is a sign on the inside of your door reminding you to double bolt lock and chain your door from the inside at all times for your safety and this is the view….you wanna be making a quick exit!

Onwards and upwards to our first US National Park, Carlsbad Caverns. Slightly bleak landscape and far less lush than the images you’d associate with national parks here, but the big pull is the cave exploring. Thanks to a broken lift we were faced with a 6km steep decent hike into the caves itself and more importantly, back out again!! Was actually absolutely fine, I might not be Kate Moss yet, but I am seriously fitter than back in February thanks to all the walking, hiking, carrying my entire life on my back and surely hundreds of thousands of stairs.

Was really beautiful inside, but in true childish fashion mainly spent the time looking for comedy rock formations, Luke and I found these ones including one that looked like a giant boob and I’ll let you judge the others for yourselves!! examples below! #highbrow

Made it out alive contrary to some of the fears of the group and watched others remortgage their houses to cover their bill in the gift shop! I have learnt some serious restraint over these last 3 months. In full travel wanker mode, I now look at items in terms of ‘how many days holiday’ is that item costing me. Plus there’s only so much stuff a 5ft 6 woman can carry. Taking actual and ‘brain pictures’ as my mementos from this trip, and a postcard or two. Must.try.to.resist.all.the.shit ……some days that’s much harder than others!

Following our night in Carlsbad, we continued our drive west. Coffee break stop was in Roswell, home to the famous 1947 “incident” where there was a suspected alien landing and subsequent heavy duty government cover up. Man has that town clung to that possibility for 70 desperate years. Quite confident after just 30 minutes there that if there are alien life forms…they would not have bothered landing in Roswell….it’s a shithole! Bought a postcard, took comedy alien pics and promptly left!

Long drive through New Mexico that afternoon, baron wastelands every which way you looked, just as Breaking Bad would have you believe. Could just imagine my new best friend Brian Cranston emerging from an RV in his pants any minute.

Next stop was Santa fe, adorable town amidst the long open roads. We had a couple of hours to wander and I decided I needed to spend those on my own. The group are heroes but 3 months of company and only 4 days on my larry was inevitably going to catch up with me.  And when all you can feel is the overwhelming urge to punch someone in the face you know it’s time for a break from humanity!

Had a nice wander soaking up some art culture, history of the town, cute boutique shops and a peaceful sit in the cathedral park before meeting up with the group.

Dinner was Mexican ……again….yay….. so pushed some sad looking nachos around my plate and waited for the dessert menu. Always encouraging when dinner is accompanied by a disclaimer advising against eating the chilies and that the restaurant bares no responsibility for subsequent consequences!

Venturing into the deep desert tomorrow for home to the Westerns, Monument Valley and onto the epic views of the Grand Canyon. Things are heating up with temperatures of 102 predicted for whilst we are there…await attractive burnt to a crisp pics, coming soon no doubt! Xx

Rolled into Texas and stopped at the sign for some snaps! Next was onto our rest stop, the most enormous Setvice station I have ever seen, Buccees. It was like a department store, you could by everything and anything. I saw a man fill an actual bucket with coca cola – it took 2 hands to lift it and he was a hench badass trucker!

Arrived at our super cute hostel in Suburban Houston and mucked about by the pool. All entertained for 30 minutes by solely watching Greg try to get on a lilo. I have never seen such a malcordinated and hilarious attempt at anything, which is saying something since my life is clumsiness personified!

I decided a beer on the side was safer than associated injuries I would undoubtedly have picked up. Especially considering the day before I managed to fall over again, down the stairs the time….got the world’s biggest bruise on my ass as a delightful momento. Honestly, some days, I just don’t know why I’m single?!

Went out for dinner and all had burgers bigger than our own heads! So delicious but meat sweats doesn’t even scratch the surface! managed half and still felt like I’d earned some sort of certificate!

We set off bright and early for Austin and today was an important day as we had a birthday in the house!!! G-Law, Big G (Greg…..) turned 23 today. Prompted a convo about ages and the youngest ones shared the harrowing fact that they were born in 1997…what the actual hell is that?!?! I was full spice girls, handkerchief top & peddle pusher clad pre teen by then!!! So upsetting

Once I’d gotten over being the old lady of the tour, we enjoyed a day of old school celebrations. Decorated the van, cards and gifts in tow and went to first stop, Bowling. Nothing like a spot of competitive gaming to see the true colours of those in the group!!! Just for the record, “rules” do not maintain the fun, they just make you look like a pedantic tithead! it’s a game where you throw a ball at some plastic pins…literally no one cares about  the strategy! Intense and not even actually fun by the end, I was lobbing it and hoping for it to be over so we would all return to being civilised humans again!! Pizza arrived just in time to prevent a mutiny, praise the proverbial lord!

 

Post lunch was Lazer tag, and I was concerned!…not just at the fact military style warfare gaming was being thrown into the competitive mix, but also that it involved yet more hand eye coordination and there were a large amount of trip hazards! Actually turned out to be serious fun! A great way to run off some inevitable day 8 pent up aggression and wear us out. Came 8th out of 25 gunners so relatively impressed!

Checked into our hostel which has been the worst so far, 14 bed dorm which we shared with some random girls on another trek group. They were just a 4 and after China I felt their pain. All looked suitably miffed to be in such a small group but just pot luck with these things. In true English style they all politely said they “got on really well and we’re having fun”, shame their faces looked like there had been a death in the family! Bad times. Invited them out with us for the evening but they declined so screw them!!! ha.

Dinner at a cool place in Austin and a civilised evening sitting around with some beers on the hostel patio playing “Never have I ever”…a game you shouldn’t really ever play with people you don’t know that well or have to sit on a bus with for another 2 weeks. Too much information! Whilst one of the tamest 23rd birthdays I’ve ever attended, it was a really lovely day and what we all needed I think. Hopefully we’ll make up for it with a bigger night in Vegas…as I’m at the risk of being a Van Wilder trying to convince everyone to go drinking and dancing, thought it’d be the absolute opposite. So we shall see.

Saturday was a filler type day to allow us to get across country as so far we have been driving for 15hrs or so and we are still in Texas! It’s enormous!

We stopped en route for a really interesting tour of the Austin Capitol building. The largest Capitol in the USA, we had a really informative guide who filled us in on the history of Texas as an independent nation and Alamo warfare.We arrived in San Angelo, the epitome of a 1 horse town for an afternoon stop off and a good night’s rest. The weather was amazing so we pottered in the town, wandered the vintage shops where I desperately tried to cram my size 5 feet into a size 4 pair of vintage Jimmy Choos which were $60!!! Heartbreak eased slightly by finding a vintage Missoni skirt for 20 bucks!

I don’t know how people survive life in these tiny towns. There was barely enough to fill an hour or 2 of wandering around let alone a whole life! Dinner, watched Bridesmaids – the first tv I have watched properly in months and went to bed by 10! It’s all crazy fun and partying on this trip I tell you!!

5.45am alarm as next stop is our journey into New Mexico where we gain another hour en route to our cave adventure at Carlsbad Caverns. I’ve been warned the ground is slippery so should make for some interesting stories for the next blog at least! Xx.

Rolled into New Orleans to a genuine question from the bus as to whether “New Orleeeens” and “New Orlins” were 2 different places?! To be fair pronunciation is not their forte here, they blame the mash up of French and Spanish culture which is evident everywhere in the city.

Hotel nice, room was massive so we changed for dinner and had some “pre-lash” tinnies in Alex and Lisa’s room.

Went to a traditional looking place just off Jackson Square (after Andrew Jackson who fought for the city at the Battle of New Orleans). I had a little plate of Jambalaya and Creole shrimp, was yummy. The waiter was such a nice man, full of catchphrases and proud reminders that they were famed for the “best and number 1 gumbo in the city!”…he said it 9 times!

Like most of the places weve been, artificial Hollywood / Disney sheen has meant that we have had a smack down to earth when we’ve actually arrived, much grimmer and grittier than we expected. Everywhere is just a little bit dirty, full of tramps and people pissing in the street (China?! is that you?!). Big night out ahead so we embraced it….well not the pissing in the street bit, got some standards to maintain! I did however manage to fall flat on my ass completely sober, before we’d even got there! which makes a change for me!!

 

Bourbon street is the centre of the madness and lovingly lined with neon signs and drunk people. Two poisons of choice this place is famous for: hand grenades & hurricanes. Pat O’Brians is the place to get the best Hurricanes in New Orleans so, it would’ve been rude not to. Having failed to learn our lesson from Memphis we all got one and embraced our inner pirate….essentially just a pint of rum and a bit of grenadine! You can drink in the street in New Orleans too so we took them to go and went out to play

 

Watched some more great jazz music and a cool live band playing everything from The Four Tops to Bruno Mars. I got acosted by a drunk man at the bar who had no concept of personal space and who’s opening gambit was “Hi, I’m Adam and I work for a company that’s a bit like Wolf of Wall Street”……I think I was meant to be impressed?! Made polite “get away from me” small talk and lovely Jess did the classic “dance your mate away from the weirdo dance”.

Unfortunately into the path of another, this time weird old bloke in his late 50s im guessing, who came over to say “Anyone ever tell you look like Jennifer Lawrence? I thought you were her…” Cringe! #stillgotit

We decided to move on from there and that more drinks were in order if this was to be the flavour of the evening, so went in search of ‘Hand Grenades’ to complete our Bourbon Street drinks duo. Turns out a hand grenade is actually delicious, they come in an enormous plastic funnel shaped like a grenade at the bottom and taste dangerously like fruit juice. Further hungover consultation of the recipe shows its actually double shots of Gin, vodka, “local grain alcohol” similar to tequila, Rum, midori all mixed together with a bit of colouring……explains why we felt like we’d been hit in the face with a frying pan when we woke up! I believe the technical term is “rough as a badgers arse”!?

Lesson well and truly learned. Not before we did a lot of drunken dancing, threw a tantrum because someone had bagsied Spice Girls before we could at Kareoke and accumulated some mardi gras beads!

Felt like shit the next day, but it was my 5 minutes peace from the madness as I’d decided against spending our one free day here on the Swamp tour in favour of a visit to the New Orleans School of Cooking. Arrived just in time to reduce the average age of the group by 30+ years and headed in to watch the demonstration. Miss Harriet was our chef, in her 60s, lived in New Orleans her whole life and completely mental! Had us all in stitches recalling stories related to the traditional dishes and advisised “y’all got a doctors appointment in next 3 weeks CANCEL IT you need maybe a month to get rid of all the laaaard I’m gunna feed ya!!!

Finished up around 12.30 so had some time to myself to wander in the French Quarter, lots of cool back streets and beautiful “southern mansions” to marvel at. It’s a beautiful city but very faded glamour and has a real air of ‘underworld’ about it. Poverty is present on every street corner and homelessness a poignant reminder of the consequences of the Katrina tragedy, even 10 years on.

Sky got ominously dark despite the 30 degree weather forecast so I headed back to the hotel, best decision I’ve made so far. Ducked into the Lobby just as the heavens opened to one of the craziest storms I’ve seen. Thunder and lightening roared and the rain water filled the streets to ankle deep. Spoke to beloved Pascoe on the phone and awaited the return of the Swamp explorers.

Rain died down so a few of the brave (or stupid!) ones amongst us headed back into the centre for coffee and Beignets at the famous Cafe du Monde. Beignets are little puffed doughnuts smothered in icing sugar and just as delicious as we’d hoped. Scoffed a few and went for a wander before cheese and wine for dinner and to the meeting point to collect our Voodoo graveyard tour.

Really interesting couple of hours tour of the city but not what we thought it would be. No graveyard visits and not much voodoo history but we did get to see some of the most ‘haunted’ buildings in New Orleans. We heard stories of murderous femme fatales and visited famous spots for ghost sightings. As a professional cynic I was wholly unimpressed by the niave faces of some.other random people we had join our tour. One woman desperate taking snaps to see if a ghost would manifest itself on the screen

We did learn the history of voodoo dolls, which originated as a method of keeping medical records. A tool used for the slave community who laregely couldn’t read or write and would go to their doctor, a voodoo shaman or priestess who would a pin into a doll to correspond with the location of identied ailments. This was then put on a shelf and kept as a record for future visits, a way of keeping track of previous issues. The deeper we got from the city centre the more we saw lots of meth heads, a one armed man taking a piss in the street and someone with their bare arse in display #allglamour.

Safety in numbers so all walked back to the hotel en masse and shattered from another long day. Next stop…Texas! And we’ve got a birthday in the house, so should be a great few days! Xx