Boarded our 25hr train to Chendu, was unbelievably a bit worse than I was expecting, but we made do. Bed layout was very prison chic, complete with inability to sit up in bunk #nooneistallerthana4yearoldhere. We were lucky to have one english speaking woman who agreed to switch bunks with us so we were all together though which was nice.

We played 5 rounds of cards and died a bit inside when we realised we weren’t even an hour in! Carriage brightened up by our neighbours who’s antisocial train snack of choice was “1000 year old preserved egg” – a Chinese delicacy that it about as rotten and fermented as it sounds #justeatcrisps #iwannagetoff

Seemed to go on for days (well more than one full day anyway!) and about 15hrs in we all agreed we couldn’t remember a time when we weren’t on the train. Stared at constantly by locals, ate a LOT of junk food and played a lot more cards. Frances had bought the “rock and pop legends” edition, each card depicting a different rock icon, I set a personal challenge to remember which rock star was on every card. Managed to fill a couple of hours and girls wowed by strange memory skills, 52/52 in my test! Others used the time to learn Mandarin…….not sure how that is more useful in China than knowing Led Zeppelin are on the 2 of Diamonds?!?!

Finally arrived in Chengdu broken and seriously sleep deprived! Met our new guide, Kid, and headed to Mr Panda Hostel. Not quite the glamorous accomodation I was hoping for! Very run down and basic, but that’s the spirit of the trip so I need to stop being surprised! Went for a luke warm shower and a rest before heading out for dinner. All decided against massage from a blind masseuse when the venue was pointed out…looked more like a crack den brothel so decided our backs weren’t actually as bad as we thought!

Dinner was a sezchuan tradition – hot pot! Sizzling spicy broth with an array of veg and meat to cook inside it. Was delicious although wimped out and stuck to mainly the least spicy broth. Aylia and Beth persevered insisting the hot one “wasn’t even spicy” whilst their noses ran and eyes streamed!

Highlight of this part of the trip was Easter Sunday where we got to go to the Chengdu Conservation and Breeding centre to see the Pandas!!!! Beyond adoreable. So chubby and cute, despite the fact that in reality they could rip your face off we cooed and ahhhed over them for a couple of hours.

Learnt all about the breeding programme there, they started with just 6 in 1987 and now have 146 healthy, happy pandas there. Decided it’s most certainly the life for me, 15hrs a day sleeping and eating and then the rest doing roly polys and falling off of stuff #notfaroffitalready.

Saw some curious red pandas, bit tenuous given they are basically just raccoons. They came to say hello, I walked under the trees to find the others and a bird shat on my head! Another winning day in travellers paradise!

Boarded a 2hr mini bus to see the World’s Largest Stone Buddha. Spent the journey eating mini eggs (courtesy of Claire so we felt included in easter, love you!!!) and napping. Still knackered from the train.

Leshan is a bustling town full of tourist shops and places to eat. The key attraction is the 71 meter Buddha which is carved into the Rock face. It was really very impressive, his ear alone is 7m high!

The insane queue to get to see it not so much, made Disney feel like a breeze!!!!!  More classic examples of Chinese etiquette where the philosophy seems to be “if we all shove and push we’ll get there faster!”

Fun night of drinks turned into worst night of holiday courtesy of ridiculous actions of one member of our group. She decided to go out and get irresponsibly shit faced, grope other girls in our group then come back to the hostel at 2.30am amd vomit all over the floor of our room!! Not at all classy. Hostel made us 3 sharing room with her clean it up, took us 2hrs on our hands and knees to clean everything as she’d managed to cover our clothes, bags and my journal in disgusting sick. We put her on the sofa near the bathrooms and she proceeded to hammer the door down at 7am to get back in. Took her 2hrs to apologise! Literally ridiculous, so unreasonable, Needless to say has selishly affected the group dynamic and no one in the mood after 3hrs sleep to be around her. What a dick head!

Decided to make most of final day and went to People’s park and to visit iconic Chairman Mao statue in the square built during the cultural revolution. 10.1m high to commemorate the national holiday, October 1st.

Had traditional Chicken Mc Sandwich lunch and spet the afternoon at the Wenshu monastery. We walked through the beautuful ornate gate to be greeted by a human being taking a shit on the pavement……. this place is literally disgusting on so many levels!!!! I cannot get my head around being do technologically advanced and still having no concept of basic hygiene!?!

We saw some beautiful temples within the monastery as well as intricately carved Buddhas and learned more interesting facts about Buddhism. Also saw a monk on an iPhone!! It is lovely to find a calming sense of peace amidst the mania. Even just for an hour or so!

Went to The Jingli Street market in the afternoon, split into three streets: food street, bar street and souvenir street. We pottered quite happily, I ate a giant candy floss in the shape of a flower, mesmerised watching the woman make it!

We also tried on comedy Panda hats and took pics next to the sign which said “do not take photos”….whoops. Markets becoming slightly seen one you’ve seen them all, same crap on all the stalls but great place to get a feel for the hustle and bustle of the city.

Had a delicious dinner at the little family run place next to the hostel, caught up with the tour group behind who looked to have faired much better on the train than we did when we arrived and headed to the train station.

Had a chat about thoughts of China in general, I aired views about it being dirty and noisy and a bit of a shithole. Getting bored of the reverse snobbery for not being laid back and absorbing the culture from certain member of group….*cough* traveller wanker *cough*. I refuse to make apologies for wanting to wear clean underwear everyday, shower daily and not watch people shit on the pavement. #hardlyaprincess!!!!! Think the whole “embrace the wonder of it all” is fine if it’s sincere but it gets very dull to hear constant preaching about how at one with nature you are and that “amaaaaahzing time in South America you ate a tribes woman’s placenta” or whatever! #boreoff #notactualstory #dramaticeffect

Waited for another grim night train this time to Xi’an, ready to see the Terracotta Warriors and looking forward to a few real highlights of the trip coming up over the next few days. Gunna put some smooth jazz on the ipod and go to sleep #oldladytravels. Night all Xx

 

Arrived at the hostel 2 minutes after scheduled tour departure time after nightmare journey, only to find the guide had left without me! Luckily also 2 lovely girls from the tour in the same predicament so we made our own way to the peak to catch up with the guide and one other girl…. After I’d slipped over on the stairs in the rain in my giant backpack and slid down them #firstimpressions #imallglamour

All ladies in our group and only 6 of us, so very different to what I was expecting, Everyone is lovely though and we had an entire day of public transport to bond. #girlsquad

Journey to first point of call in China, Yangshou, was a mission! 8 hrs after crossing the border we arrived at the hostel. Horrifying death ride yet again, weaving in and out of cars, no lanes, no mercy! Lost count of times we stared at giant juggernaut headlights coming straight towards us on wrong side of the road! This was the moment guide decided to tell us a “fun fact” that 700 people die on Chinese roads every DAY! #whatashocker #maniacs!

Arrived at hostel,  It was basic but fine. Got double rooms as there are so few of us so that’s bonus. Went for dinner at Lucy’s Place in town, first authentic chinese food and it was delish. Early ish night ahead of long day of sights.

Took part in a great authentic cooking class, getting to be an actual real life chef for the day (despite outfit making me look like I work in a fast food chain!). All part of the colourful experience was shopping for ingredients in the market near by. Smell will stay with me for a long time, eau de Death and rotting veg! Far more primitive practices than I was looking to ever see let alone at 9am…hypocrisy at its finest given my choice to eat meat but could’ve done without seeing an actual dog get gutted in front of me for customer to put in his stew, whilst the others cowered, 6 or 7 rammed in a tiny cage looking on at their inevitable fate. Cats in same boat! #whatswrongwithtofu?!

Took mainstream food back to the cooking school and got my wok on. So fun and food delicious.

Afternoon was badged as an unmissable activity, cycling to the Lei river for traditional bamboo rafting. By “unmissable” assuming they actually meant terrifying?! Realised I had never actual ridden a bike on a main road in my life #cyclingproficiancyfail #hadbetterthingstodowithmysaturdays and after nearly dying approximately 34 times I can confirm that chinese roads are not a good starting point. So stressful, noisy and generally terrifying. Highlight: getting a pink bicycle with a basket, low light: literally everything else!!!!!! Scenery was beautiful but too busy concentrating on not being flattened by insane bus drivers to notice much. 1.5hrs of cycling takes it toll too, generally not sure if I’ll be able to have kids ever… #newfoundappreciateforchrishoy

Ventured into the town centre for drinks at the famous Monkey Janes rooftop bar. Monkey Jane is a chain smoking, rum drinking, Western loving hostel owner who also happens to be shit hot at Beer Pong, not brave enough to challenge her after our practice attempt. We were shocking. Wrote a Tripadvisor review on all got crappy promotional tshirt though. Drank “buckets” of local alcohol and prayed we wouldn’t get poisoned! Fun night all round!

Wednesday was optional Rock climbing which obviously I didn’t do given I can’t even walk in a straight line! Went for breakfast with Sophie & Frances and a wander to the park pagoda! Looped the park and most of the village several times in attempt to find entrance given Asias complete lack of signage (in any language!) But made it. Few hundred punishing shiny marble steps, wet from constant rain and zero health and safety. Can only assume these activities contribute to capping the population by allowing so many to fall to a hilly death!

Back to hostel to meet our guide and head to Moon Hill. Described as a beautiful scenic hike I was already concerned. Failed to mention in the literature said hike was at the top of 860 steps carved out of a sheer rock face. So slippery and dangerous. Not at all fun. Obviously bets were off as to who was most likely member of group to fall flat on their arse! Right on cue, will have a huge bruise as a momento! Thighs given up after cycling and pagoda hike…#beyonceiaint

Hiked from moon hill to famous mud baths and hot springs deeper into the mountains. Caves beautiful but mud bath freezing. No one made it in past their ankles as couldn’t feel our feet, such a disappointment as we were so excited to do it and take comedy mud snaps! Decided to get in the hot spring instead – also freezing, we persevered but agreed it was pretty much akin to just sitting in a dirty puddle in a building site….just whilst in bikinis being stared at by large chinese tour groups #girlsquadzoo.

Cormorant fishing in the evening which was really weird. Sat in a rickety boat and watched a man on a raft paddle down the river leading 4 birds who caught fish and then regurgitated them into a wicker basket for the family to eat…….it took an hour for them to catch 7 tiny fish! We got cold and I nearly fell over again! But enriching and culturally diverse all the same.

Kayaking on thursday got cancelled due to river being too high….oh dear…what a shame as we all know how great i’dve been at that!! So we went for lunch and stocked up on supplies for the dreaded 25hr train to Chendu….

Spent the afternoon in the rain walking a local market then headed to our hosts family for dinner. Stopped off at her mums place for tea which tasted of fags and tequila and a look at some family photos. She was a really lovely lady despite having teeth like Jaws in James bond. We tried to drink our tea and ate with Sally’s family at their home 10 mins away. Food was yummy and littuns in the house were adoreable.

Managed to meet up with the tour group 2 days behind us for some drinks in town and headed to bed for much needed rest ahead of the mammouth journey.

Yangshou in the whole has just made me realise I am really shit at anything involving hand eye coordination and “the outdoors” But thrown myself into everything regardless. Great company and trying to find comedy in the horror is deffo helping.

Big shout out to Ramsay, Alex and The Dragon Trip crew who really have achieved the impossible though with this tour. If one thing is abundantly clear it’s that organising anything in China is a logistical nightmare. None of this would have been possible to do alone. So sterling job lads!

But for now, maybe Chendu will be more my scene! Bring on the pandas! Just that small matter of a 25.5hr night train to survive first!!!!! Xx

Casual 4 hour hop over to Hong Kong was next on the list for Claire and I. Plane full of comedy as always, large array of people coughing in our faces ala Anne from Little Britain #computersaysno and our true favourite, woman in front of Claire who was the spitting image of Little Jimmy Cranky #butasian

Greeted at airport by woman with what looked like a giant barcode scanner from Sainsburys randomly pointing it at people and checking the temperate of their heads?! Not sure what happened to those who failed to have a head within required airport temperature range?! I would not have faired well if the same had been done in sweaty Singapore or KL where my melted face made me look like I was 85% tomato #burntforeheadalert

Also thrust a leaflet about the importance of only using legal transportation and not to be tempted to take unlicensed taxis. Not immediately obvious from the image that it wasn’t in fact a leaflet about importance of not letting Daley Thompson drive your cab?

Arrived at Bishop Lei International House after ridiculous wait for airport shuttle bus. Took the windy streets up the Mid Levels Hong Kong and checked in. Verdict: 4 days in the Shangri La was more than enough to realise we prefer 5 star travel! Missing smell of lemongrass in lobby (more a smell of actual grass?!) and room on the small side, but important to acclimatise to real life again ahead of 26 days backpacking around China.

Wandered the streets after it became blatantly obvious the Concierge was just a man with a badge and no actual knowledge of the area or helpful tips. Not even sure he even worked there!?! Went in search of dinner and had some traditional Asian fare in a cafe near Central station, packed with locals which is always a good sign.

 

Top tip 101 of Hong Kong: no one believes in queueing! It is literally every man for himself. Decided to stop getting annoyed at the rudeness, tutting loudly and being all round English and adopt if you can’t beat em join em approach. Got a feeling same will be true of China. Will be interesting.

Spent Saturday doing what all people who had just 2 short days to explore an entire metropolitan city would do…go to Disneyland. Hong Kong marks the 4th of 5 worldwide Disneylands I have visited, and with Anaheim, California the final stop of my adventure it was a must. Pretty sure 5/5 will make me an honorary member of the Mickey Mouse club or something. #alifenotwasted

 

Was an amazing, magical day as always! Arrived for Park opening as advised it gets crazy busy. Had 3 hours of bliss wondering with little to no queues before the bulk of people arrived.

Castle is hands down the worst I have ever seen. Looked like a model village! Thought it was perspective at first but actually titchy!

The park isnt full of big thrill rides, but we were expecting this courtesy of a wonderful Tripadvisor post from “Willia34USA” Who had outlined there are no rides there which are “balls to the wall insane”…………

Some fun new things including Stitch Encounter where stitch interacts with the audience. Claire got hit on (again) by him but when he found out she had a boyfriend agreed to settle for me instead #sloppyseconds #gotnodisneyaliengame

The whole park can be easily done in a day, went on everything that was open, saw some shows, went on some rides again, ate overpriced processed foods and generally lived the 5 year old dream #culturevultures #highbrowdayout #allwhilstinMinnieears

Watched the fireworks and headed home after walking 10.5 miles and in the spirit of embracing cultures and trying different foods we went to maccy ds and had a fillet-o-fish as we’ve never had one and always wondered! Ha! #branchingout #whatholudaysareallabout

Spent Sunday honouring the ancient tradition of dim sum brunch. Headed to the world famous Maxims Palace at City Hall. Adoreable inside, if slightly “faded glamour”, traditional dim sum carts are still pushed around the dining room and you select from each. If you can ignore the air of hospital dinner trolly / asian meals on wheels about it, it’s fun. Food was yummy but in all honesty I think we were both expecting to be blown away…I think you forget living in such a varied colourful city like London you’re lucky to have so many excellent versions of international cuisines right on your doorstep.

Wandered the famous “Ladies Market” over the bay on Kowloon, got a few more bargains and did some more deals on things we didn’t really need, but all part of the fun.

Headed to the harbour in desperate search of hallowed skyline snaps but thwarted yet gain by the ridiculous fog that has shrouded the city ever since we arrived. You can’t see the tops of skyscrapers or even the end of the road in front of you! Such a shame as that famous iconic skyline is the first image you conjure up when thinking of Hong Kong! Will have to admit defeat this time and hope for a miracle when I pass back through here after The Dragon Trip ends.

Said a fond farewell to Claire who has been the perfect travel companion over the past couple of weeks and I will be sorry to see her go. Safe flight chef and I shall look forward to seeing you when I’m home!

But now all back packed up and headed to the next and third chapter. Since everything is blocked behind the infamous “great firewall” not sure when next update will surface. Regardless, China here I come!! Xx

 

Roll up, roll up…new candidate for worst journey of the entire trip (including Melbourne death flight) courtesy of horrendous cab driver. Can only imagine he learnt to drive from bumper cars or Stevie Wonder! Cab looked like a tin can. So glad there were 2 of us…just to prove it actually happened and to have someone to hug when we survived and arrived at lobby!

Walked into Shangri La hotel…all was well. This hotel is beyond beautiful! Scent of fresh lemongrass everywhere, amazing staff and service. Upgraded to club lounge level and it was amazing. Headed to the lounge for afternoon tea canapés and cocktails served daily. Food was beautiful gin tasted all the sweeter as I felt we’d earned it after the journey!

Spent the afternoon living the life of true luxury! We went for a night time swim in the pool under the lights of the iconic Petronas Towers, watched the lightshow at the KL telecom tower from the water! Sauna, steam room, jacuzzi and one seriously good night’s sleep in our club room…..just how I like to “backpack”! #glampackers #imtechnicallyunemployed

Spent the Wednesday wandering the streets…KL is not a city designed for pedestrians! Not really any pavements at all, or traffic laws, or logic……or humanity! Literally just close your eyes, step out into the road and hope for the best!!! Another seriously sweaty day! Visited 3 of the top 10 attractions according to guidebook…did it all within an hour…all soulless shopping malls. Weird array of shops as demonstrated by Claire below.

We went for lunch at famous hawker market on ground floor of Lot 10, at “famous ducking”….verdict: was “ducking” gross…so disappointing. Maybe in contrast to great food in Singapore was always going to be a let down.

We headed back to hotel to chill in the lounge and ventured out to the markets in the evening. Armed with our inherent bargaining skills (thanks dad!) we wheeled, dealed and haggled our way to some great purchases. Got “genuine” Kate Spade & Longchamp handbags, “designer” prada purse and a few other bits and bobs for a grand total of £25. Result. Our favourite stall was one where we bought our Ray Ban and Fendi sunglasses, owned by a fabulous transvestite man in a pink dress. Colourful place full of all the wonderful people he world has to offer. Bloody marvellous! Took our haul back to 5 star hotel and pretended it was all genuine!!!!!

Took a trip to the iconic Petronas Towers on Thursday. Classic low angle selfies (vetoed the ones where we have 4 chins each! #unflatteringanglealert) and pottered in yet another shopping mall!!!

We were hit by wall of screaming teenagers once we got inside, so we went over to investigate. Turns out it was South Korean actor and heartthrob Lee Kwan Soo (?!?!) making an appearance at the mall to promote the Samsung Galaxy S7….people screaming, fainting, generally loosing their shit….fans told by tannoy not to request signing of any body parts again?!?!

Went to KL Tower revolving restaurant, by expert recommendation of Mr Wall…since he excercises all round impeccable taste in all aspects of his life I was expecting big things. I am delighted to say it was lovely, well done Steve! Just a shame we had such a foggy day…and they insisted on playing christmas songs for the first 10 minutes! Entertainment picked up when the live band started, 2 guys singing with a piano and sax; one was the spitting image of Wolf from Gladiators but had an insanely good voice, just like Lionel Richie. Pretty remarkable! Nice views and great to watch the city turn from day to night.

We headed back to the Petronas Towers this evening to see them all sparkly and lit up. They really are impressive. Took some more snaps and snaked our way past “selfie stick, selfie stick for you pretty ladies” blokes who seem to be everywhere!

 

Returned to the hotel to say bon voyage to our beloved lounge….cheers Horizon Club, you have been good to us! We will miss you..and all the gin!

General verdict of KL is that it’s all little bit shit to be honest. Glad we have the gorgeous hotel to make it – a nice few days pit stop mid trip. Getting really excited for Hong Kong tomorrow and final few days of peace before carnage of The Dragon Trip begins on Monday.

 

My driver from Changi airport to the city was Lau, we listened to David Soul and The Osmonds for the entire journey. He had 1 car sticker on the whole cab, declaring his love for a specific brand of 3 ply tissues….it was weird!

First introduction to driving in Singapore and I can safely say is the closest I will ever come to being in a real life version of Mario Kart. Motorists seem unable to ever let their speed drop below 80mph instead weaving into free spaces and cutting across lanes at high speed. Looked out the window half expecting Bowser and Princess Peach to cut us up on the inside any minute!!! Clung to my St Christopher and longed for the hotel.

Met beloved chef, who was there to greet me with open arms as I pulled up despite her 13 odd hour journey. What a hero. Caught up on all the news and headed to swanky suite for much needed sleep. Great to have her in town for the next 10 days! Really lovely bonus compared to what would’ve been life on my larry.

Went to Botanical Gardens on day 1, classic Claire fell straight into stereotype of being an Asian babe yet again on the walk there, this time getting cat called by the security guards outside Interpol HQ….’Interpull’ more like!!! Did a lot of walking and a whole lot of sweating. The heat here is sticky and gross, much like my general appearance after 5 minutes of being outside. Spent the day being so shiny I think Claire could literally see her reflection in my forehead! (Andy P would’ve been so impressed Frances!!) #heightofglamour #cantunderstandwhyimsingle

Awesome evening trip to The Night Safari, which is essentially part of Singapore zoo which opens at nighttime. Badged as a fun filled attraction for all the family…actual verdict: absolutely terrifying! We decided to beat the queue for the tram tour round the park (#disneyveterans #notamateurs) and do the walking tours first and let the crazy queues die down. Would’ve been fine except we were literally the only people waking the trails….in pitch black…. on our own. Really felt at one with Alan Parish…much as i LOVE jumanji, I have no real desire to re-enact it.

Fair to say we are both still traumatised by a terrifying flying squirrel dive bomb attack and legitimately didn’t think we’d escape the swarm of bats! Cries of “I don’t like it….” from Claire followed by screams when we thought we saw an escaped animal run by our feet….on closer inspection it turned out to be a leaf, but it was touch and go for a while there!

We decided to man up and solider on in spite of terror and the fact that literally everything in the zoo was something which was trying to kill us. In all seriousness we saw loads of weird and wonderful animals which was fascinating. Got less confident as it got darker and creepier with indeterminate shrieking sounds from all angles. Decided to return to safety and take the tram ride when harrowing screach prompted Claire to actually say “oh god, do you think they have a dinosaur here”….!!! Was a really great evening out and a must do if you come to Singapore.

Had a chilled morning soaking up the suite life of our amazing hotel, so nice to have a stint in pure luxury before return to the real world of backpack wanker-dom. Headed out for touristy afternoon of sightseeing, bucketed it down and got drenched (again!) at The Gardens by the Bay at the Marina.

Persevered in raincoats and under Brollys, Singaporeans and others running for shelter, us and other English people pottering about the place quite happily. Rain no worse than you’d get every time you leave the house during an average July…bouncing off the pavement and making everything generally more miserable than necessary, slice of home whilst away!

 

We walked for AGES, took comedy pics with the iconic ‘Merlion’ at the Marina front and watched the sunset change over the skyline.

Feet burnimg from the inside, we headed to ‘Palm Beach on Sands’ famed Singaporean seafood hotspot to try Singapore’s national dish and finest delicacy, Chilli Crab. Told there would be over an hour wait for a table!! I could’ve cried…it’s a brave man who stands between a hungry woman and food!! I had no choice but to get all Bromley on him and protest we’d walked for hours and could he check the tables again….30 seconds later…a table on the coveted harbour front veranda for 2 miraculously appeared! #paystocomplain

The array of implements on the table to assist with shelling the Crab looked more like something out of the 50 shades trilogy!! But complete with glamorous bibs we were ready to tuck in….

 

About 4 seconds after it arrived we both realised we had no idea what we were doing!! No choice but to just muddle our way through, slowly but surely. Interesting to see other Asian diners were getting help with shelling their’s, so i can only imagine our attempt was so hilarious we were providing an involuntary “dinner and show” element for other diners and thus they revelled in letting us struggle! Whilst not a dish designed for hungry people who have been walking in the rain for hours, it was so so delicious. Easily one of the nicest meals I’ve had since I left home. And a perfect setting right on the Marina front to enjoy it in.

We rounded off our last day by reuniting the true ‘chef triumvirate’ by meeting up with Harriet! A bronzed vision in the Lobby we said our hellos, saw her ‘Henna foot’ from her week in India and headed out to a hilarious morning at Haw Par Villa.

Some of you may have read the recent article about this place, essentially a terrifying ‘theme park’ where Singaporean parents take their children to traumatise them into obeying rules. A series of hideous resin scenes depict specific fates for those who lie, don’t respect their elders and default on rent?!?!

 

After being scarred for life, we had a great afternoon wandering Clarke and Boat Quay, catching up on news and sweating profusely.

Ended our final afternoon with the pièce de résistance of tourist activities, a Singapore Sling at the world famous Raffles Hotel.

Yes it was touristy and we had to forfeit a kidney to cover the bill, but it was bloody delicious! Glamour slightly tarnished by lone pigeon wandering inside the bar, shades of being at the Pumpkin cafe at London bridge station…eating all the peanut shells which are traditionally just thrown on the floor. Harriet and I getting stuck right into making a mess, Claire cautiously sliding the shells onto the floor as if she was going to get in trouble (“i’m sorry, but this just doesn’t feel right”)! Standard!

Perfect few days in perfect company has been a great start to the Asian leg of the trip. Currently rinsing the free mini bar, watching crap asian TV and trying to distract ourselves from inevitable looming task of packing before heading to Malaysia in the morning! Xx

 

Hideous flight to Melbourne!! I don’t know much about flying (Henners, help me out with this one…) but the pilot said the First Mate would be flying us; judging by the subsequent horrors I can only assume this is akin to letting the work experience kid ‘have a go’!!!! Nose dived the tarmac which you could see out the window and dramatically pull up back into the air for ‘another attempt’…I’d rather go on the Waltzers 10 times in a row (Lenny!!) than do that flight again!

Arrived to a very warm welcome at Chez Thomas! Champagne popping and much needed catching up much appreciated, all the more after near death shocker en route.

Monsieur Thomas did a selfless designated driver stint out to the Mornington Peninsular for vineyard tours on Saturday! Was lovely. Had a delicious lunch and afternoon getting tanked up on free wine tastings!

Woman conducting it seemed to have taken advantage of the tipples herself…she was actually “bat shit mental”, tasting notes and detailed understanding diluted sightly by the excessive samples. She was employee of the month for being permanently drunk – a perk of the job! Herb you would be so good at it!!

Best way to spend a Saturday though, finished off with a wander down the beach.

Got up at 4.30am Sunday to support Alex in I’m his Melbourne triathlon. Serious wifey points for Rachel as we were the only 2 supporters not competing there at the start! Coffee and pitch black did little to ease the disorientation. Neither did far too many Aussies in Spandex…some things you really don’t need to see at 5am! #keepthejunkinthetrunkthanks. Alex did great and made really good time, the rest of the day bought glorious sunshine and 36 degrees! Scorchio!

Had the perfect lunchtime catching up with one of the Thurlow’s oldest and dearest friends. Debbie, it was an absolute treat! Like I saw you only yesterday (and there hadn’t been like 6 years in between). So so glad I got to see her and catch up on all the news over bubbles, no better way to do it!

Left Debbie to the precise task of finding a good remix of Pony by Genuwine to put on her Spinning instructor playlist and did what any sane person does on a Sunday afternoon, spontaneously jump out a plane!!

Was wandering past Skydive Beach and Beyond on our walk to St Kilda beach, popped in to investigate and hour later I’m on a light aircraft with me’ legs dangling over the side! What a awesome experience. So glad I did it (in a controlled manner and wasn’t forced to on that flight here!!!) Some epic underside of chin and jiggly face footage to treasure forever…Thanks to instructor Chris for making sure I did not die! And Mama and Papa Thurlow for their very generous contribution to my trip which I hope they think I have partially spent wisely!!

Had a chilled day of exploring Melbourne and met Rachel after work for rooftop bar drinks, dinner at a cool place Debs recommended called ‘Welcome to Thornbury’ (bit like street feast) and made a new friend called Dexter…

Home via the world’s most amazing gelato cafe! Was beyond delicious. We’d had a few too many wines so stumbled back home..

Spent the next few days exploring what Melbourne has to offer, pottering in cool cafes and independent shops, soaking up the sun #bronzedgoddessobvs. Lovely evening exploring bars of Melbourne with Steve, who was totally underwhelmed with the “tan”! Nice to touch base with so many ex pat compadres since I’ve been here.

Continued my personal Woman vs. Brunch tour of Melbourne at every opportunity. Reading the menus alone here is enough to give you Type 2 Diabetes! Hands down winner (after entirely necessary extensive research) *drum roll* is ‘Fitzrovia’ on Fitzroy Street, St Kilda. Creme Brûlée French toast with bacon, banana, mascarpone and candied pecans…..if I could choose a last meal! Haven’t actually been able to finish a single plate as portions are clearly designed for 18 people to share!!

Went to The National Gallery of Victoria to “get my culture on” innit. Went to see their brilliant Andy Warhol / Ai WeiWei exhibition (great recommendation Rach), all about the cross overs in their careers and similarities in work, shared themes of capitalism and consumerism #highbrow. So went to the gift shop, had an “ironic” coke in the cafe and took silly pics on their photo booth #designedforkids

Got to see lovely Debs again and meet beyond charming boyfriend Shane in the evening. Treated me to an amazing dinner, lots of laughs, so lucky again to have great company!

21 solid days of busyness and drinking wine finally caught up with me on Thursday, just in time for Rachel to have a well earned day off! Knackered doesn’t even cover it, wandered the streets like something out of 28 days later in search of brunch and thanks to Griffiths indulged a bit more in OCNAD (obsessive compulsive nail art disorder).

Excessive amounts of napping and movie night was the perfect end to a really great week in Melbourne. Thanks so much to everyone here who made it such a winner.

And so ends leg one of the ‘diary’. Oz it’s been emotional. Key lessons i’ve learned:

 

Losers

Aussies are not capable of eating a meal without Avocado

Buses are beyond shit

Vegemite is the spawn of the devil

Winners

Brunch is beyond amazing

‘Winter’ has been 39 degrees

I have some of the greatest friends ever even if they are 10,560 miles away!!

 

All packed and beyond excited to start the next leg in Asia with my most favourite chef in the world. SEE YOU in a few hours Claire, #chefsonSinga-tour xx

Finally checked out of the Hostel, praise *insert deity of choice here*!!! Officially en route to the Gold Coast. Met Mary from Cheshunt on way to airport turns out she is the mother in law and grandmother of X Factor living legends: Stavros Flatley! So impressed. She said they’re now big in China, promised to look out for them performing when I arrive.

Toddy picked me up when I arrived in what I’m sure John Travolta would refer to as a “Pussy Wagon”…everyone else would just assume he’s also in the midst of a quarter life crisis! And so complete with massive chavvy spoiler, its beyond ridiculous furry seats and giant exhaust we sped off for Brunch and an amazing afternoon visit to the Currumbin Wildlife Centre.

Best afternoon you can have on the Gold Coast surely! We had a hilarious day. We decided to be high rollers and do the Segway tour of the park! Anyone who knows me will know that an unpredictable motorised vehicle which relies on balance, and me is a shocking combo! After signing the waiver (!!!) I was pretty resigned to that fact that people would have to attend my funeral knowing that I had pegged it falling into a ravine and being crushed by a segway! Not the glamorous departure I’d hoped for! Fear not aided by arriving late for the safety briefing!!

After expecting to emulate Brendan from Coach Trip the whole way round (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ekPNEekNKck) I nervously set off and what do you know, a few practice runs and Steve the guide described me as a natural. Maybe I’ve found my career path after all.

Highlights included a cuddle with a real life KOALA

And Toddy’s face when he saw the size of the balls on this Kangaroo!!!

Headed back to see Toddy and housemate Mike’s new bachelor pad…beyond ridiculous views! So lucky to be crashing here, and so grateful to sleep in a bed that didn’t have an obnoxious French man above it!!! You guys are amazing.

Bummed about the flat in the evening whilst Toddy was being a worker bee, no make up, pjs, generally dishevelled, cue arrival of housemate Mike,who Toddy neglected to mention was also ridiculously attractive. Cheers Toddy! Yet another fail and testament to why I should not be allowed to ever be seen without make up! Had a beer in a bid to hope my wit and charm would detract from my awful blotchy face. Not convinced! First impressions are a bitch!

Tuesday was a wash out literally and proverbially. Rain forecast for my whole visit so we had another awesome brunch and went to check out the Jellurgal aboriginal Centre. Turns out it the entrance centre was also the entire thing, Toddy dug deep to learn about the rich history of the aboriginal people, woman behind the counter was having none of it. We asked to do the guided tour, she said they only go on Thursdays but we could do our own walk. Highlights identified were the Rock pile and a 4000 year old rubbish dump……30 minute hike into the cliff side and the heavens opened. I’m talking biblical rain! Like standing in a shower for 20 minutes in your clothes. Hilarious for the first 2 minutes, not so much for the 15 minute climb down to the car!

Big night out wednesday decended into chaos v.quickly after Mike decided the only thing the party was missing was White Russians. Also turns out shots of Kalua are a thing?! Went into Surfers Paradise for ‘Brazilian night’, pretty much just Oceana with ozzies. Did shots of Patron (Stephanie Miller you literally ruined my life by teaching me about this!) and no one is really sure what happened after that. Toddy spent the next day in delighting at my drunk attempt to order a pizza at 4am and then me aggressively yelling for mayonnaise shortly after!?!?

 

Went to visit lovely Amy for the day in Brisbane so she could show me the sights. So nice to see ger and get some sunshine.  Went for coffee and cake. Got acosted by a weird old bloke who said “I love it up here, looking down from the balcony, no one can tell you’re perving on them….which I am”…..we made our excuses and left!!!

Wandered along their equivalent of the Southbank. Latest crap celeb spot, Dr Michael Moseley and his wife!

Had a perfect girly day of chilling in the sun, drinking wine, eating to much and reminiscing about Sydney fun. She’s going to smash life in Brisbane and I’m so happy for her….I’ll probably just miss her every day though! Ha. Go get ’em you absolute babe.

Made the trip back to the swanky flat and packed my stuff for round 3, an amazing flight down to Melbourne to see one of my oldest and dearest friends! I’m on my way Mr & Mrs Thomas! And I am SO EXCITED to see you. xxx