…I always pick the shit one!

After making new BFFs with Donna & Joyce (grandmothers doing a “exotic marigold hotel” singles holiday to Kerela) I spent the next 2 hours in the airport lounge with them drinking G&Ts, hearing about how Joyce was going to have a wacky baccy party and throw herself off the cliffs at the Isle of Wight when she ran out of money for luxury holidays! This was followed by conducting a seminar on how to download and use Whatsapp so Donna could send pictures of the trip to her daughters “to show” to her dog Coco!

Flight delayed but the powers of my Facebook status about going away (124 likes….”oh you’re on the other side of the world for 3 months!? At last! We thought you’d never leave us in peace”) I managed to meet up with the lovely Ali Ridley #nottinghamthrowback, who was on the same flight as me. Small world.

Headed to the gate, got to my seat, “hmm which one could be mine…..ah the one sandwiched next to the two screaming under 3 year olds of course”. Two more behind to ensure constant kicking of my chair and one three rows in front for maximum impact! 7hrs of screaming bliss all the way to Dubai. I think it was sometime after the little ones had stopped whacking me in the face with the safety card and just before one tried to chew my hair that I decided I have literally no maternal instinct whatsoever. 3 years old and off to Dubai?! What’s wrong with Devon! Jesus!!!!

Watched “Room”, Oscar nominated film based losely on Joseph Fritzl about a woman and her son kidnapped and locked in a room in a garage for 7 years by an evil captor…helped get things in perspective a bit.

Huge shout out here to Guy Cowdry pon the headphone recommendation, could barely hear the endless wailing once volume was up…who needs ear drums anyway right?!

Landed late in Dubai, missed our connecting flight to Sydney, “don’t worry you’ll be on the next one it leaves in 10 hours time” *searches for brown paper bag*…..Ali calmed me down…..the first page of my journal is a pre drafted complaint to Emirates…..only to be greeted at the gate by a smiley airport worker who had held our Sydney flight for us (and the 35 other people who would’ve been stranded). Never been so happy to board a 13.5hr flight in my life.

More toddlers, and sat behind the 5ft woman who reclined her seat fully four seconds after take off for the entire duration, no sleep, crap food (who knew fruit salad could actually taste savoury?!) and we landed!!

First celeb spot: Ross Noble.

Little chat at the luggage carousel where he tried to get me to buy a ticket for his Oz tour, no selfies I’m afraid Curtis, it’s a braver woman than me who asks a Geordie comedian for a picture after 27hrs of travelling!

Day of sleep and channelling my inner Tom Hanks, spending the day in the airport terminal eating over priced Maccy ds.

Quick whatsapp to the rents to confirm status as: alive. More importantly to wish the wonderful Papa Thurlow a very happy birthday! Sorry i can’t be there to celebrate…..x

Now 12.30am, wide awake, massively jet lagged, so doing the only thing any sensible person in this predicament would do…watching a Chinese quiz show about memory where a man has to identify which one of 300 eggs in a line he was shown before the show…and dancing around my room to Jamiroquai…….send help!

xxx