Decided to be a culture vulture and do the grand guided tour of the Opera house. Average age of the other people who had the same idea, 65 yrs old! They had all piled off Royal Caribbean’s Residence of the Seas, one of five cruise ships I’ve seen docked in the harbour since I’ve been here. One for Mama and Papa Thurlow to add to the list.

Wasn’t impressed by the tour if I’m honest, £19 for the hour was reasonable but it just looks like the Southbank Centre on the inside. Rest of tour group played phenomenal game of “Who can ask the most high brow question”, was hilarious to watch. We did get to go into the main auditorium where we were lucky to see 10 minutes of  Wynton Marsalis rehearsing with the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. Not entirely sure it warranted the level of middle class gasp that came from the group, was worried one woman was actually going to collapse with operatic joy, but was a nice bonus all the same.

Sydney is currently in the middle of a heatwave, it was 42 degrees on Thursday. I believe the correct terminology is “sweating my balls off”! Particularly disturbing since I don’t have any!!! Drunk wine at harbour side bar with Ali, wrote out some postcards and watched the waitresses get cat called by drunk, sweaty Italian blokes. Snore!

Back to the hostel and after an over complicated booking process, Ryan, the general manager here, pulled off some sort of logistical miracle and has meant I don’t have to move rooms so will be here in my same room until Monday! Phew. The sort of logistical miracle I was actually hoping for was one where I ended up in the Shangri La……alas can’t have it all!

Went to Opera bar with Griffiths, loads of fabulous people arriving here for Pride (which all kicks off next weekend unfortunately, so I’ll miss it)…way to get your appearance in perspective when 3 blokes walk past and their contouring is better than yours!! Hair is also suffering, going to have to get seashell cornrows like monica in Friends if this keeps up!

Amy’s last night got way out of hand as anticipated with any visit to a bar that starts with “we’ll not have a late one”. The next thing I know we’ve been adopted by a guy whose real life name was Blane Steel (assuming his profession was superhero / porn star) and the “lads” for Pete’s (!?!) big farewell send off before he moves to Ireland. Aussie hospitality at its finest. They were genuinely a really nice gang of guys and girls who took great delight in getting us to say an array of words in “british accents”….wore thin after a while. Introduced us to “Whisky apples”, the poison of choice for people looking to loose their dignity.

As a direct result, this is shortly followed me doing a word perfect rendition of ‘The Boys Are Back in Town’ complete with air guitar on my own on a stage in an underground whisky bar! We got in a 5am via a completely ill judged visit to KFC! Needless to say Saturday morning was a write off!!!

Said goodbyes as Amy caught her flight to Brisbane, still drunk, she’s a trooper! Missing her already. So I’ve just messaged her virtually constantly since she left!

I spent the morning reading, with Marjorie Wickham in the Royal Botanical Gardens, thanks for the rest, I love it here too…

Comedy of errors trip to suburbia to see Sarah & Stefan’s new house was Thursday. “Excuse me, how do you know which stop to get off at for Ocean Street please”…..”ah damn brah, you just sort’ve know man”……thank you for that informative guidance. Would’ve been fine except that was the actual bus driver! Turns out Sydney has 5 ‘Ocean streets’ in completely different places, Sarah lives near 1, I have now visited 3 of the others!!!!

Great to see the place, went for a drive in the rental van which we agreed looked more like something you would hire if you were producing a low budget horror film, it had done 520,000 miles! Had a lovely evening of fancy sushi and wine and bid her the fondest of farewells which was sad. Not goodbye, but until next time you marvelous lady, thanks for being such a fab host!

Today I took the ferry over to Manly beach for the 2016 Australian Open Surfing Championships….when in Rome n’all that. Turns out a pre requisite of attending a beach type event rather than just an average day, is that you must be so painfully attractive, you make Cheryl Cole look like a 4 out of 10. Found a shady spot and took the time to do some self-reflection on that drunk KFC.

Left the beach, acutely aware of distinct possibility of being harpooned (!) and grabbed ‘The tourist special lunch’ at the harbor. Actual shrimps, from an actual barbie!

Headed back on the ferry to Circular Quay – everyone on it looked like they could legitimately pass for one of the brothers in Hanson; such a surfer “look” here. Headed home to shower sand out of places I wasn’t sure it was biologically possible to get sand and attempted to repack my bag for flight tomorrow.

Big change in the world of roommates means our mixed dorm is just 5 blokes and me! (lads lads lads, banter banter banter etc…). All of them very polite and nice, so assides from the distinct aroma of “Eau de stinky boy” about the place it’s actually been alright. Perhaps I’ll miss it after all……… #obviouslynot

And so ends my first chapter in Oz, lots of interesting lessons to come away from here with, but Cheers Sydney, it’s been a blast.

Next stop: Gold coast. Get the beers on ice Toddy, in on my way! xxx

Did the free Sydney walking tour as provided by our hostel on Monday. Turned out to be a horrific four and a quarter hour slog during the hottest part of the day. Tour guide dug deep, trying to convince mostly English group that there was rich history and wonderful sights everywhere. But pretty much just saw the Opera House from 12 different angles “and an interesting fact about the underside of the guttering of the Opera House is…”

Day was saved by an evening trip to the 360 revolving bar at the top of the Sydney Tower with Amy and Lucy. $20 minimum spend, went up ordered one $21 cocktail, sat nursing it for an hour and a half #couldwebemorebritish

Tuesday, I met up with Ali again for an epic day doing the Bondai Beach to Coogee Beach coastal walk. A must do according to seasoned Sydney-ites.

Blinded some people by daring to sit my pasty self on the Bondai sand – parents sheilded their children from the ghost lady.

Estimate I sweat off around five stone from the three hour walk, 32 degree heat, punishing doesn’t even cover it. Ali was delightful company, not sure same could be said for me near the end! Lots of lovely beaches and a big graveyard half way round (presumably where they leave the bodies of those who don’t make it!!!!)

Well earned frosty beer at the finish line, thanks for your patience and for a wonderful day Ridley! Took away a distinctly attractive horrendous forehead burn as a momento! I’m burning THROUGH several layers of Factor 50, pray for me!

Went into Circular Quay to see if I could get a last minute cheap single ticket to see Simply Red who were playing at the Opera House outdoor theater. Told they were still  £93 each (ridiculous!!!), so decided not to bother. Wandered along the other side of the netted fenced off area and found a public bench approximately 10 feet away from the expensive seats….heard and saw the entire gig for free whilst watching the sunset over the harbour (As my Dad would say, “nice one centurion”) Great gig and all the sweeter when you beat the system, in your face Hucknall, you little ginger daylight robber!

Met Sarah again on Wednesday for a trip to hipsterville. ‘Newtown’ is like Oz’s answer to Shoreditch, but with more tanned bearded men in wifebeaters and less shitty kebab shops. Also bumped into Duncan’s mate Dom from Reading at the train station!! Small world!

Awesome eggs benedict brunch at Brewtown (see what they did there!!) pièce de résistance being when the waiter said the greatest sentence I have ever heard a person say “can i get some breakfast desert for you ladies?!” Surely only ever one answer to that question!?! Cue the stuffing of faces with belgin waffles! They know how to do breakfast here!

Griffiths treated me to the best manicure ever, complete with a rainbow nail and hand painted hello kitty thumb! Drank some more gin, walked 23,500 steps in sweltering sun, standard day here!

Dinner at “Grilld” in Darling Harbour, just for you Harri, since you have referenced it every time anyone has said the word “burger” for the last four years! You speak the truth mate, it was beyond delicious!

Back at the hostel, went for some drinks and talked into going dancing. So, like a weird old uncle at a wedding, i went to throw some shapes at Side Bar (Sydney’s premier nightspot)…it was a shithole, makes Infernos look like The Ritz! Alas Gaz from Geordie Shore is there next Wednesday so I will miss him… heartbroken doesn’t really cover it! Managed to bring the average age up by 10 years and witnessed some seriously european dancing, so figured it was a success – left before the bikini competition started…wouldn’t have been fair on the other contestants for me to enter #obviouswinner.

Said our goodbyes to lovely Lucy who is off to explore the east coast, (good luck beautiful lady!).

In joyous news the “one with the cough” has moved out! To be replaced by “The rattler”….who I think isn’t travelling at all but just has a bag full of castanets and maracas which she plays in the night at bizarre intervals to disturb roommates! Hostel life trundles on….

xxx

Finally succumbed to the sinking realisation that I was checking out of my nice hotel and into a hostel for the next week.

Upon arrival abundantly clear that I am too old and also too high maintenence for this crap…

High Maintenence (adj) : Someone who does not want to spend any portion of time on holiday, sleeping in a bunk bed surrounded by awkward strangers

Nothing like a room of 21 year olds to make you feel like Van Wilder…

Five key players in the room – I am referring to each by endearing nicknames:

1. The Grunter
2. The one with the cough
3. The mute
4. The international playboy
5. Amy

Amy is a northern breath of fresh air in an otherwise totally bizarre set up and here until Saturday. Should’ve known really – as already proven by Take That and Michael Lillis – all the best things come from Manchester and the surrounding areas! Met friends she’s made, heard travel stories, had gin – all necessary bases covered. All together now: “Hostel friiiiiiends”!

After my cheery “hey hows it going, i’m Emma” being totally shot down by “The grunter” when I first arrived, I knew there was only one thing for it….bugger off for drinks all afternoon with beloved Griffiths! Sarah left London for sunnier climbs in October last year and the place has been a little less bright ever since. So after making my way to Circular Quay and soaking up the view of the iconic Sydney skyline

Harbour Bridge: check

Opera House: check

Shit load of seagulls just like in Finding Nemo: check

I had what can only be described as a “totes emosh reunion” with this one (we did a Hollywood open armed run up and everything…)

The days ahead look to be a veritable feast of clichéd tourist activities and since I could not look more pale and English right now, I’m fine with that. City tour today, Beach walk Tuesday, Sarah and Emma’s day of fun Wednesday….you get the picture.

Since the ridonkulous costs of WiFi in Oz seem to require sale of a kidney in exchange, i’ll be “going dark” for the foreseeable and praying “the one with the cough” decides to move rooms! *GET A GLASS OF WATER YOU ABSOLUTE TOOL*

……wish me luck!

xxx

…I always pick the shit one!

After making new BFFs with Donna & Joyce (grandmothers doing a “exotic marigold hotel” singles holiday to Kerela) I spent the next 2 hours in the airport lounge with them drinking G&Ts, hearing about how Joyce was going to have a wacky baccy party and throw herself off the cliffs at the Isle of Wight when she ran out of money for luxury holidays! This was followed by conducting a seminar on how to download and use Whatsapp so Donna could send pictures of the trip to her daughters “to show” to her dog Coco!

Flight delayed but the powers of my Facebook status about going away (124 likes….”oh you’re on the other side of the world for 3 months!? At last! We thought you’d never leave us in peace”) I managed to meet up with the lovely Ali Ridley #nottinghamthrowback, who was on the same flight as me. Small world.

Headed to the gate, got to my seat, “hmm which one could be mine…..ah the one sandwiched next to the two screaming under 3 year olds of course”. Two more behind to ensure constant kicking of my chair and one three rows in front for maximum impact! 7hrs of screaming bliss all the way to Dubai. I think it was sometime after the little ones had stopped whacking me in the face with the safety card and just before one tried to chew my hair that I decided I have literally no maternal instinct whatsoever. 3 years old and off to Dubai?! What’s wrong with Devon! Jesus!!!!

Watched “Room”, Oscar nominated film based losely on Joseph Fritzl about a woman and her son kidnapped and locked in a room in a garage for 7 years by an evil captor…helped get things in perspective a bit.

Huge shout out here to Guy Cowdry pon the headphone recommendation, could barely hear the endless wailing once volume was up…who needs ear drums anyway right?!

Landed late in Dubai, missed our connecting flight to Sydney, “don’t worry you’ll be on the next one it leaves in 10 hours time” *searches for brown paper bag*…..Ali calmed me down…..the first page of my journal is a pre drafted complaint to Emirates…..only to be greeted at the gate by a smiley airport worker who had held our Sydney flight for us (and the 35 other people who would’ve been stranded). Never been so happy to board a 13.5hr flight in my life.

More toddlers, and sat behind the 5ft woman who reclined her seat fully four seconds after take off for the entire duration, no sleep, crap food (who knew fruit salad could actually taste savoury?!) and we landed!!

First celeb spot: Ross Noble.

Little chat at the luggage carousel where he tried to get me to buy a ticket for his Oz tour, no selfies I’m afraid Curtis, it’s a braver woman than me who asks a Geordie comedian for a picture after 27hrs of travelling!

Day of sleep and channelling my inner Tom Hanks, spending the day in the airport terminal eating over priced Maccy ds.

Quick whatsapp to the rents to confirm status as: alive. More importantly to wish the wonderful Papa Thurlow a very happy birthday! Sorry i can’t be there to celebrate…..x

Now 12.30am, wide awake, massively jet lagged, so doing the only thing any sensible person in this predicament would do…watching a Chinese quiz show about memory where a man has to identify which one of 300 eggs in a line he was shown before the show…and dancing around my room to Jamiroquai…….send help!

xxx